For dad
I know the last few visits to the cemetery have been more to see mom and talk to her but then it was always about mom from even back when you were alive.. Dad you are never far from my thoughts but mom is the way I think of things.. Dad you were very important to me and still are but being gone as long as you have been is tough to think of you.. I miss the both of you guys, I mean I can still see the both of you at the kitchen table talking on Saturdays when I was younger and discussing the weeks events and should we go get the trash and hall it to the dump that day.. There were times when we went to the dump in pretty awful weather but we did it and I "helped" where I could.. I am beginning to think you did a lot of that to try to make me seem like I was worth something.. I am beginning to think I have no worth in this world anymore.. I loved both you and mom very much but there are times that I wished both of you would have bashed my head in and made me think of someone else for a change.. sit me down and discuss what wil happen if you don't get a job that pays fairly well and have health benefits.. I mean somewhere along the way both Donald and Bob got it, but I never did, I wanted to get by, figure a way to just get by, even now with a looming life crunching deficit that might change my life completely.. I feel like I would have had to go to the ER or at the very least to the doctor to find out what the hell that was and yes it would have meant a certain amount of money to do so, going to the Er was a drastic move, and finding out about the gall stones that way.. I mean had the doctors pointed this out to me a year ago it would have changed the way I ate and likely mom could have helped then.. My feeling was that had mom been here now she would have come up with ways to help me eat.. I was so afraid at one point I thought this is how I am going to die, I will starve myself to death.. And it felt that way back in that week as Iwas taking those antibiotics and feeling horrible as they were taking effect and I wasn't sure if it was that salad I ate that Monday night or was it a combination of things from the day before.. when I woke up on that Monday morning I felt fine, a little rung out from the day before but for the most part I felt fine, hungry because I hadn't ate anything from that Sunday morning until later that Monday.. Anyway I went off track.. I know you said you were proud of me but I also know that the pride I feel about both Bob and Donald I can'r feel the same way about myself, I have done nothing with my life and wonder if I would have been better being dead..
Dad, I blame myself for how mom died.. I mean I know I tell Bob this and he says you can never know.. Well I will tell you now what I told him, there were a few times this year when mom wanted me to get those meals for her to eat but I wasn't sure they were for her since as you know she is one of the best cooks around, why would she need me to buy these meal things. So I just assumed they were for me and I was trying not to eat very much to keep my weight off, and prevent the diabetise from getting me as you likely know I had a blood test come back confirming I was high on the A1C test.. I went on a huge diet and lost a good amount of weight.. Changed the way I ate and pissed mom off because she like me being heavy, she liked all of us being heavy.. Anyway mom asked for these meals and I got myself a couple of these steaming meals that I like thinking they were for me.. She asked again in May for them and again I got myself some of those meals again, and then she talked to me in late July about wanting to stop losing weight, she was losing weight at about a pound a month or there about, likely more, she was under her last drivers test weight and didn't want that to happen anymore so she wanted to try to stem that tide and so I finally got the message, she wanted to not only stop losing weight, she wanted to gain some if she could.. Ok gotcha.. I got several of those hungry man dinner things, not even thinking that she might have been better eating those that I liked to eat at first.. These that I eat are low in fat and low in calorie but would have been a good way to start the process of not losing weight.. and that coupled wit heating soup and gradually eating more and more, but you know mom, she wants to do things now, get the food to stop losing weight.. Had she gone my route she might still be alive today.. She ate that first meal and it didn't sit well with her stomach, and she had heart burn all the time and this would be like that but it would get worse.. She often complained of her stomach hurting her, she would say it was, she also had unconsistant bowel movements and by that I mean she would either be plugged up or running like ... well you likely know by now.. The first meal would bother her stomach and then she would eat another meal like that on Monday, she had issues with her stomach again on Tuesday but not have been to excessive, she didn't tell me hey lets go to the doctors, or lets go to the hospital.. Until of course that fateful Wednesday when we ended up in the ER early that morning.. How she made it that far into her ordeal I have no clue, when mine felt as bad as it did I was wanting relief really bad.. We were there and found out what we did.. I still say she should have gone in months before to find out what was going on, when her poop was runny and then would be constipated it was a constant eat cheese and than eat grapes and it never got to where she wouldn't complain that she was afraid she was about to shit her pants going down the road.. I have to wonder if having that issues wasn't one of the reasons she stopped wanting to go do the shopping.. After having the surgery to fix the twist in her intestine they stopped her from digesting her food for a couple days but soon it was back in order again.. Thankfully it looked like she dodged a bullet and everything would turn out alright and in fact she got to go home the next Tuesday.. I feel like that was early because I had Googled the procedure and they said it might take up to a month of her being in the hospital and I really was wondering if this was a good idea.. to be honest I wasn't the main caregiver, I mean I was the one here all the time and helping when and where i could.. What I mean by not the full caregiver is Bob had power of attorney and might have been better off to witness what I did that day of her being released as being done maybe a little to early.. but being released she was at about a little after noon as we got home by two after not stopping anywhere.. I felt good about things but wondered still... I would mow the lawn per my schedule being screwed up because of events in the previous week making things be that way.. Wednesday saw a little cooler weather and mom took a shower and seemed to feel fine, but then she kept how she felt to herself a lot.. And I worked on the yard a little bit more, we had labor day fast approaching and mom was getting hher food ideas set but I think she had something else in the back of her mind, Friday was her birthday and there was going to be pizza brought by Donald and Lucy.. Sounds like fun.. Then Thursday happened.. Nothing in particular except a huge red flag was waving and I ignored it.. The previous day the hospital called and wanted to come see mom and make sure everything was alright.. Mom took the call as I had answered the phone but handed it over to her to take the call.. I think had I taken the call and arranged for them to see mom she might still be alive today, because of what happened on Thursday.. Thursday was just like every other day except mom was complaining again about her stomach hurting more in the heart burn realm and would tell me she had an appointment to see Kakar that day but didn't think she felt well enough to see him..Hindsight being what it was I should have said should we go see Mathews instead, but it never ocurred to me to do that until after the fact.. I still say mom would still be alive today had I done three things before that fateful Friday, her birthday would be rung in with a fall that would see her have a broken hip.. And me not being able to awaken to hear her please for help.. It still bothers me to this day.. As well that Thursday I should have come in the front room where she sleeps and asked if she was alright.. I was at the kitchen doorway and listened for her and she sounded like she was asleep so I just thought she was alright.. HAd I checked on her who knows, she might have said I feel worse, take me to the hospital she might still be alive today.. I do blame myself and even with both of my brothers and everyone else trying to tell me it wasn't my fault I still think it was.. So many things that could have changed the course.. I know it is impossible to change them and knowing mom the way she was likely it wasn't going to change anything no matter what I did or didn't do.. But that Wednesday of the hospital calling to come and check on her.. That was a huge should have been done type of thing.. Her excuse for nit wanting them here was... Her house was a mess.. and I told her they were not going to judge the house, it was about her.. I just kick myself for not going back to the phone and calling the m up and telling the to just go ahead and stop in, say something like we were in the neighborhood and thought we would check on you anyway.. You know I only want what is best for mom.. I mean without her I have no one t talk to but he cat and she has very little opinion.. So I often just talk to the walls which means I talk to myself..
I had said in the years before that when mom dies I will be alone, Donald won't even bother visiting and likely me seeing his sons was over.. They were after all here to see their grandma they were never really here to see me.. I blame Lucy for that, back a few years back when I was watching Ian and my back exploded and I simply couldn't move without hurting like crazy.. She went off on me like no one I had ever seen before.. saying as much as we never did anything for them, and that I must not love Ian anymore..And the truth is I am sure she shit on me about it because he never the same after that and I knew no matter what I told him that it was his beloved mother's word over mine and that I likely would be lying to get back into his good graces... I just thought there woould be nothing I could do to recover from this but hope time would heal things which is very slow to happen and now wiht mom being gone there is no reason for them to come down here anymore, and really there is very little reason for me to remain being here.. I worry that everything that mom worried about with the family falling apart is starting to happen.. Donald acts more like Lucy when it comes to family, his family, his sons and wife are number one and everyone else is treated as if they are just aquaintences and nothing more... When the will was announced and Bob asked what we each wanted of hers Donald shrugged and said nothing reall, except the tea pot that had that money in it.. I looked at the value of the paper money nad it litlerally is only worth what it is that the money value is.. It might have sentimental value to him but hen I really don't thin kthere ia any sentimental value at all having heard what Ian said he said about dad and everything.. I hate to think what he might have said or is saying about mom now that she is no longer here to defend herself.. I better never hear anything bad about what mom did or didn't do.. I mean there are plenty of things that mom and dad didn't do but to be honest I was happy being here.. and so this is really hard for me to say now.. But since mom is no longer here I feel so alone and I knew I would and even if I had a job right now I don't know that I would feel any different, I have thought of so many scenarios where I get hurt so badly that I will likely die here be it falling down the stairs or trying to do something I should have help with.. You know I have done so many things and have figured out how to do so many things that would regularly require help of at least one other person and have done them alone, that eventually I should have help but it likely won't occur to me that I should have help.. And that could be my undoing as well.. But I am alone and I am a loner and that will never change no matter what.. It scares me to think that Sunday when my gallbladder erupted what I would have done had Bob not been around like he was.. I am not sure I would have done anything.. Likely would have suffered through what might have been a day or two of this and wondered what it was that this was happening.. .. And still to this day wondered..I still had two donuts left.. Still had the bread that must have been the culprit.. I hadn't ate anything different than that.. And yet it chose that day to explode on me.. LIkely a good day to because had it been any other day I would have likely had it taken out, and while everyone sys it was the right thing to do I have since found a lt of food I can eat and would rather keep my gallbladder thank you very much.. yea, I'm as stubborn as mom.. wonder where I got hat from...
Well in conclusion, Dad this is not the way I envisioned this time.. There was a time right after mom passed away that I thought I gotta get a job before the end of October or will be out on the streets.. Bob and Freda both asked me on labor day if I wanted to go to their house for Thanksgiving, and I told them probably be a good idea.. and still thinking why not.. I have heard nothing from Donald and I won't impose on them, my feeling is that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me and so I will oblige him.. Until he realizes that we are brothers he can remain astranged from us, I really don't care.. I have no dea what I did to him that he carries this grudge like this .. I mean was it from our childhood or was it because i wouldn't bend over backwards when Lucy wanted me to act lame for the doctors for whatever the reason to prevent her from going to Poland to get her shit straitened out.. There was nothing i could have done then and likely still wouldn't be now either.. whatever..I would ask but I really don't want to know.. Maybe some day he will be in a situation that he feels vulnerable enough to open up about it.. Maybe we will patch things up then.. Maybe .. But there is a better chance pigs will fly before that ever happens.. I hope not.. It's not that I want anything to happen to either Lucy or Donald but it sure would be nice if the next person we hear in the ER isn't me but rahter someone who won't be crippled financially if they were in for a brief stay.. I don't ant anything to happen to them but.. Maybe a little karma retrace...
Sorry I don't mean to go off track like I do but.. It's been a while.. Hope everything is fine with you and mom if you are together in heaven if that is even place.. I hope your spirits are together in some way.. and with Tabitha as well..
Dad, I blame myself for how mom died.. I mean I know I tell Bob this and he says you can never know.. Well I will tell you now what I told him, there were a few times this year when mom wanted me to get those meals for her to eat but I wasn't sure they were for her since as you know she is one of the best cooks around, why would she need me to buy these meal things. So I just assumed they were for me and I was trying not to eat very much to keep my weight off, and prevent the diabetise from getting me as you likely know I had a blood test come back confirming I was high on the A1C test.. I went on a huge diet and lost a good amount of weight.. Changed the way I ate and pissed mom off because she like me being heavy, she liked all of us being heavy.. Anyway mom asked for these meals and I got myself a couple of these steaming meals that I like thinking they were for me.. She asked again in May for them and again I got myself some of those meals again, and then she talked to me in late July about wanting to stop losing weight, she was losing weight at about a pound a month or there about, likely more, she was under her last drivers test weight and didn't want that to happen anymore so she wanted to try to stem that tide and so I finally got the message, she wanted to not only stop losing weight, she wanted to gain some if she could.. Ok gotcha.. I got several of those hungry man dinner things, not even thinking that she might have been better eating those that I liked to eat at first.. These that I eat are low in fat and low in calorie but would have been a good way to start the process of not losing weight.. and that coupled wit heating soup and gradually eating more and more, but you know mom, she wants to do things now, get the food to stop losing weight.. Had she gone my route she might still be alive today.. She ate that first meal and it didn't sit well with her stomach, and she had heart burn all the time and this would be like that but it would get worse.. She often complained of her stomach hurting her, she would say it was, she also had unconsistant bowel movements and by that I mean she would either be plugged up or running like ... well you likely know by now.. The first meal would bother her stomach and then she would eat another meal like that on Monday, she had issues with her stomach again on Tuesday but not have been to excessive, she didn't tell me hey lets go to the doctors, or lets go to the hospital.. Until of course that fateful Wednesday when we ended up in the ER early that morning.. How she made it that far into her ordeal I have no clue, when mine felt as bad as it did I was wanting relief really bad.. We were there and found out what we did.. I still say she should have gone in months before to find out what was going on, when her poop was runny and then would be constipated it was a constant eat cheese and than eat grapes and it never got to where she wouldn't complain that she was afraid she was about to shit her pants going down the road.. I have to wonder if having that issues wasn't one of the reasons she stopped wanting to go do the shopping.. After having the surgery to fix the twist in her intestine they stopped her from digesting her food for a couple days but soon it was back in order again.. Thankfully it looked like she dodged a bullet and everything would turn out alright and in fact she got to go home the next Tuesday.. I feel like that was early because I had Googled the procedure and they said it might take up to a month of her being in the hospital and I really was wondering if this was a good idea.. to be honest I wasn't the main caregiver, I mean I was the one here all the time and helping when and where i could.. What I mean by not the full caregiver is Bob had power of attorney and might have been better off to witness what I did that day of her being released as being done maybe a little to early.. but being released she was at about a little after noon as we got home by two after not stopping anywhere.. I felt good about things but wondered still... I would mow the lawn per my schedule being screwed up because of events in the previous week making things be that way.. Wednesday saw a little cooler weather and mom took a shower and seemed to feel fine, but then she kept how she felt to herself a lot.. And I worked on the yard a little bit more, we had labor day fast approaching and mom was getting hher food ideas set but I think she had something else in the back of her mind, Friday was her birthday and there was going to be pizza brought by Donald and Lucy.. Sounds like fun.. Then Thursday happened.. Nothing in particular except a huge red flag was waving and I ignored it.. The previous day the hospital called and wanted to come see mom and make sure everything was alright.. Mom took the call as I had answered the phone but handed it over to her to take the call.. I think had I taken the call and arranged for them to see mom she might still be alive today, because of what happened on Thursday.. Thursday was just like every other day except mom was complaining again about her stomach hurting more in the heart burn realm and would tell me she had an appointment to see Kakar that day but didn't think she felt well enough to see him..Hindsight being what it was I should have said should we go see Mathews instead, but it never ocurred to me to do that until after the fact.. I still say mom would still be alive today had I done three things before that fateful Friday, her birthday would be rung in with a fall that would see her have a broken hip.. And me not being able to awaken to hear her please for help.. It still bothers me to this day.. As well that Thursday I should have come in the front room where she sleeps and asked if she was alright.. I was at the kitchen doorway and listened for her and she sounded like she was asleep so I just thought she was alright.. HAd I checked on her who knows, she might have said I feel worse, take me to the hospital she might still be alive today.. I do blame myself and even with both of my brothers and everyone else trying to tell me it wasn't my fault I still think it was.. So many things that could have changed the course.. I know it is impossible to change them and knowing mom the way she was likely it wasn't going to change anything no matter what I did or didn't do.. But that Wednesday of the hospital calling to come and check on her.. That was a huge should have been done type of thing.. Her excuse for nit wanting them here was... Her house was a mess.. and I told her they were not going to judge the house, it was about her.. I just kick myself for not going back to the phone and calling the m up and telling the to just go ahead and stop in, say something like we were in the neighborhood and thought we would check on you anyway.. You know I only want what is best for mom.. I mean without her I have no one t talk to but he cat and she has very little opinion.. So I often just talk to the walls which means I talk to myself..
I had said in the years before that when mom dies I will be alone, Donald won't even bother visiting and likely me seeing his sons was over.. They were after all here to see their grandma they were never really here to see me.. I blame Lucy for that, back a few years back when I was watching Ian and my back exploded and I simply couldn't move without hurting like crazy.. She went off on me like no one I had ever seen before.. saying as much as we never did anything for them, and that I must not love Ian anymore..And the truth is I am sure she shit on me about it because he never the same after that and I knew no matter what I told him that it was his beloved mother's word over mine and that I likely would be lying to get back into his good graces... I just thought there woould be nothing I could do to recover from this but hope time would heal things which is very slow to happen and now wiht mom being gone there is no reason for them to come down here anymore, and really there is very little reason for me to remain being here.. I worry that everything that mom worried about with the family falling apart is starting to happen.. Donald acts more like Lucy when it comes to family, his family, his sons and wife are number one and everyone else is treated as if they are just aquaintences and nothing more... When the will was announced and Bob asked what we each wanted of hers Donald shrugged and said nothing reall, except the tea pot that had that money in it.. I looked at the value of the paper money nad it litlerally is only worth what it is that the money value is.. It might have sentimental value to him but hen I really don't thin kthere ia any sentimental value at all having heard what Ian said he said about dad and everything.. I hate to think what he might have said or is saying about mom now that she is no longer here to defend herself.. I better never hear anything bad about what mom did or didn't do.. I mean there are plenty of things that mom and dad didn't do but to be honest I was happy being here.. and so this is really hard for me to say now.. But since mom is no longer here I feel so alone and I knew I would and even if I had a job right now I don't know that I would feel any different, I have thought of so many scenarios where I get hurt so badly that I will likely die here be it falling down the stairs or trying to do something I should have help with.. You know I have done so many things and have figured out how to do so many things that would regularly require help of at least one other person and have done them alone, that eventually I should have help but it likely won't occur to me that I should have help.. And that could be my undoing as well.. But I am alone and I am a loner and that will never change no matter what.. It scares me to think that Sunday when my gallbladder erupted what I would have done had Bob not been around like he was.. I am not sure I would have done anything.. Likely would have suffered through what might have been a day or two of this and wondered what it was that this was happening.. .. And still to this day wondered..I still had two donuts left.. Still had the bread that must have been the culprit.. I hadn't ate anything different than that.. And yet it chose that day to explode on me.. LIkely a good day to because had it been any other day I would have likely had it taken out, and while everyone sys it was the right thing to do I have since found a lt of food I can eat and would rather keep my gallbladder thank you very much.. yea, I'm as stubborn as mom.. wonder where I got hat from...
Well in conclusion, Dad this is not the way I envisioned this time.. There was a time right after mom passed away that I thought I gotta get a job before the end of October or will be out on the streets.. Bob and Freda both asked me on labor day if I wanted to go to their house for Thanksgiving, and I told them probably be a good idea.. and still thinking why not.. I have heard nothing from Donald and I won't impose on them, my feeling is that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me and so I will oblige him.. Until he realizes that we are brothers he can remain astranged from us, I really don't care.. I have no dea what I did to him that he carries this grudge like this .. I mean was it from our childhood or was it because i wouldn't bend over backwards when Lucy wanted me to act lame for the doctors for whatever the reason to prevent her from going to Poland to get her shit straitened out.. There was nothing i could have done then and likely still wouldn't be now either.. whatever..I would ask but I really don't want to know.. Maybe some day he will be in a situation that he feels vulnerable enough to open up about it.. Maybe we will patch things up then.. Maybe .. But there is a better chance pigs will fly before that ever happens.. I hope not.. It's not that I want anything to happen to either Lucy or Donald but it sure would be nice if the next person we hear in the ER isn't me but rahter someone who won't be crippled financially if they were in for a brief stay.. I don't ant anything to happen to them but.. Maybe a little karma retrace...
Sorry I don't mean to go off track like I do but.. It's been a while.. Hope everything is fine with you and mom if you are together in heaven if that is even place.. I hope your spirits are together in some way.. and with Tabitha as well..
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