adendum to a previous entry

When my gallbladder exploded last weekend things changed for me.. I had my older brother in with me in the ER...  I was thinking how long would I have waited before going down to the hospital myself.. Hard to say.. My brother was on his way to take his daughters to the pumpkin patch and thankfully they didn't tell them they were going.  They were at a store and he had called to tell me they were going out.. Thankfully I had told him I was wanting to go out there and see them otherwise he likely wouldn't have called..  HE called the house number and I heard the phone wring although I was more or less yelling OUCH at he time I heard some of the message and couldn't get to the phone in time to talk to him.. Gotta call him and find out if this can be fixed..At the time I had no idea what it was..  I called him back and they came down with a little bottle of the pink stuff to help ease the upset tummy.. It wasn't that and that stuff didn't help and likely wouldn't help ever but it was worth a try..   During the ER visit they asked if I had ever had an attack like this and I told them no.. And I hadn't ever had an attack like this..  Not like this, nothing was this bad before, however after a few days to think about it yes I had an attack like this..I was telling mom about one time (actually three if you can believe  it) when I had an attack like this and here is the story behind that time as I remember it happening.. I got up one morning and my back was hurting, and the pain radiated to my front groin area..I had looked this pain up before and it read as kidney stones.. and I thought here we go again..this being the third and final time of this type of pain.. The others were bad but this was different.. Mom had to go to work that day, and I drove her in.. Yep, even in that kind of pain I drove her in.. I remember the day, it was likely a Monday because I also had to drop off the Netflix discs in the post office.. I dropped her off, drove up the street and went by the hospital and seriously thought about detouring into the hospital but then thought better of it.. How could I tell it was likely kidney stones?? I drank a lot of water when I got up, drank more before we left.. I made a mad dash for the house to get on line to check for a remedy to this thing.. I drank more water while there.. How can I tell it was a kidney stone I ask again??  I didn't pee the entire morning or the day or until the pain subsided.. That was a long ass day because I would go back to town to pick up mom, went to walmart and got a few things to eleviate this pain and symptoms therein.. and when I got mom home I had told her my back was hurting again and she just thought I was just having another back ache thing.. This was more than that  but it stopped hurting and the stone must have moved because all of a sudden the dam broke open and I was pissing like a race horse.. That was the last one of those I wanted to ever have.. I tell this because I had two others before it but wasn't sure what it was.. This time I knew what it was because that night while I took a piss there was this feeling of something traveling down my penis and it hit the water like a little pebble and when I looked it was a dark grey thing.. . this must be what a kidney stone looks like.. Now I was a big time sunflower seed eater back in the day.. And during these times I would cough while eating them so I almost knew exactly when this was going to happen again.. Three times it happened and each time was horrible..  One time I remember having it happen my niece was down visiting her grandma and mom told her that my back was really hurting and she gave me one of her pain pills to take.. I did out of full desperation took one of her opioid pills and it strung me out.. it got rid of the pain but doped me up beyond belief.. I was hung over the next day.. They are low grade synthesized heroine and I could have easily said I would like to feel that kind of no pain the rest of my life.. You wonder why I never got into drugs..it wasn't because of any other reason than the fact I would have loved them..   But after the third time of that kind of pain and I chose not to take one of those pain pills, that just seemed too of a way to get over this and I wasn't sure it was a good idea to feel no pain when this was going on, call me crazy.. so when the ER staff asked me about this pain I had that Sunday I could't remember it.. and the main reason I can give is a simple one.. Last December I had a schizm .. a TIA or mini stroke, that effected my memory.. I remember it took me a while to relearn how to talk and put words together on the signs and stuff.. And I forgot a few things, and some like this was likely one of them.. I couldn't remember that happening..  You would think it would be paramount and really had I remembered how I felt this might have never even happened because  a lot of what I do eat is determined by that.. For one thing I started to drink a lot of water to aide in keeping stones from forming, this was one of the things I had slowly stopped doing over time, I would say in the past year I was down to one glass of water in the moning and then not drinking again like that until the evening after supper, whereas after that had happened I drank water like a glass every hour on the hour religiously.. all day long.. There was a reason for that..  But now I had stopped and that might have aided in the gallbladder attack..


Monday, the day after the attack.. I was just certain I was living on borrowed time as far as another gallbladder attack was concerned.. I woke up at around five that morning.. It was earlier actually I pretty much didn't sleep at all being in new environs and all but to no one else fault but mine, I just can't sleep in a nice bed really Or that's what  I always say when we go on trips, but it is the different environs and the fact that my bed at home is like sleeping on a bed of nails..  but I get up after everyone heads to school or their jobs and head to wamart to get a few food items but the paper the check out nurse left me with was very vague on what I could and couldn't eat.. So I pretty much only get a few things and the prescription I was told to get that day.. Two antibiotics to help in the gallbladder situation..  Got them got home fed the cat took a shower got on the computer looked up this new fun  thing I have to figure out.."what can I eat that won't piss of my gallbladder"...  The answer might surprise you..   The day was full of nice, the weather was nice.. I was tempted but didn't think mowing the leaves was still quite the right time.. I decided to do a fire and as I was I decided a little walk first.. and as  I did my walk it was only a few blocks, I went the block beyond the school and down and back to the house, grabbed the wood to get the fire going and sat back and enjoyed it.. all the time  I should have been checking the labels for fat content, that would have been a better idea for what would happen shortly.. as the fire died down as the sun was going down it was time to worry about eating again. I say worry because if I eat the wrong thing I might be back in the ER..  Earlier in the day I bought a large bottle of apple juice and one that wasn't as big, it would b my flush the next day hoping to get on top of this gallstones issue.. I would eat a veggies dish several times during these first few days I had no idea what I could eat, I had no idea what amount of fat would be tolerated by my gallbladder and I am alone.. feeling alone is quite different from being alone.. So that early evening I decided to take the antibiotics in a relaively timely manner, about equal times apart which means that I took them when I first got home, took the one (they were 2-1-2) two in the morning one at like noon and two in the evening and this was the first day and there was no real morning it was closer to noon when the first were taken so the second was closer to four and I decided to take the last two after eight that evening. I should have taken them at six  and called it good.. I needed something to eat and so a salad seemed like a good idea,what could possibly go wrong.. Sunday night was a very light night of sleep, and I though I should sleep extremely well this Monday night.. I got the salad and put very little salad dressing on figuring the salad would take away any effects the fat in the dressing would cause.. BIG MISTAKE..  it didn't hit right of way, it was after ten that night when I felt this feeling in my abdomen and it was just a tightness, I knew this might be a gallbladder attack on a very minimal scale but it was making me very uncomfortable..  Not excessive though, going to the emergency room for this was out of the question, I just couldn't get to sleep.. I couldn't find the sleeping position that would see me nod off at all that night.. 

Tuesday saw more of the same in fact it knocked me down, couple this with not really eating anything for over a day now, I was eating that veggies thing, had no idea still of what to eat, but would look up a lot of things this day.. But you lose sleep for two nights and things start to go off the rails mentally I was losing track and couldn't think right this day and it would get worse.. I awoke feeling not very good at all, my tightness in my abdomen coupled now with my back hurting and now a new pain I hadn't ever felt before .. My hips were hurting now, I must have walked more than I thought I had..  And this was very uncomfortable, having my hips hurt also made me think of mom, her last issue that likely sealed her fate was a broken hip that was surgically fixed but was likely the thing that coupled with her intestinal surgery were too much for her poor old body to take..  And so I kept that in my mind as well  as  I was limping around the house all day tuesday.. I would Google search everything there was to find what I was after.. finally fat content was the most important thing to look up and it change a lot of things however it was out of my mind.. the way I felt like I would call the surgeon the next day if the apple flush wouldn't work.. and so I was really hoping it would work.. as the day dragged on I would eat crackers to take the pills that couldn't be taken on an empty stomach.. Four cracker.. what a diet..  And the strangest thing happens when you eat like this, you gain weight.. that entire week was a nearly nothing food diet.. I was starting to feel horrible and really started to feel dark... I hate the feeling of dark, it means a depressed state of existence and I hate it because I think of things that were not good through my life and those out number the good because like I said I went to the same school as both my brothers and yet I got a completely different education than they did it would appear..  I barely graduated and yet my older brother says how much smarter I am.. He needs to learn what smart really is.. because I am not..  Tuesday night would see me feel the same going to bed, fully uncomfortable, not because I ate anything else tht could cause that or maybe  I did.. I have no idea what to eat and didn't feel good at all my hips my back my abdomen and it seemed like my body was screaming just trade me in for a newer model.. 

Wednesday would see me "wake up" after a night of no sleep again to speak of..  Three nights of nearly no sleep at all.. I was feeling the effects of that, as well I was getting the effects of the antibiotics on my crapping very slight here at first.. One thing I hadn't done was drink much more of anything more than the nearly gallon of apple juice from the day before.. Kept me hopping to the bathroom for both urine and poop in the wet version on both..   Wednesday would see me call the surgeon and see him that afternoon.. upon seeing him he explained verbatum everything I had seen on the internet except for the bad things, I mean he did say there would be runny stools (diarrhea) which didn't bother me as long as it got together eventually.. After everything he talked about he said without insurance he wouldn't be able to do it.. Sent me to the financial offices and a woman who would give me the price of what this would take.. 22,0000 roughly.. And only six hindred dollars a month.. yea.. So she told me to go see this woman who does short term insurance maybe that would be a way to go..  I went looking for her, went to the place I thought she said to go to and she wasnt there and they had never heard of her.. So I left..  I was depressed and things were going down hill quickly.. My mind was racing and really was in a fog, I couldn't think.. I thought the way I felt this might the begining of the end for me.. this might be how people feel as the end creeps in on them.. Death by my own doing..  I wasn't wanting that.. I feel like I have several personalities and this was one that didn't want anything to happen to me..When I left that afternoon I had packed enough for two days in clothes and was sure I had the cat set for the overnight or more to come.. I was texting my older brother and keeping in contact with him this way.. I was now stuck, and as  I pulled away from that place I went looking for this woman elsewhere but couldn't find where it was..  I gave up and went to walmart for looking for something to eat.. I would look but was lost and my mental state was not good, I decided there wasn't anything I could eat to prevent that from happening and pretty much resided to the fact  I might starve myself to death... That or find something at the house to do the most harm to end this agony.. I was in such a mental state that I was very ready to give up..  I looked for some sort of food that I could eat but wasn't sure the numbers I was looking for..  I was stuck and could not think.. My back was hurting me the abdomen was less uncomfortable but still was there  and the hips were feeling better but still there..  As  I was going to the back to try to decide what direction to go with what to eat.. It should be me trying to figure out how to eat my way to health.. I figured I could do it, just let me get some sleep to be able to think a  little..  My phone rang and the ring tone told me who it was and  I answered it was my older brother, he asked how everything went at the surgeons office  I told him no insurance and this is not going to happen anytime soon if ever.. So now  I was stuck and feeling horrible and not seeing there was any reason to move forward.. I was really down.. but I knew my sister in law was supposed to be in town later that day, my older brother was in town but was now heading back home, I actually was hoping to get a ride back to his house with him really quick..  but he was well on his way back home. I then asked if there was any way I could go back with his wife and he said he would ask.. Had she had no way of getting me home I wasn't sure I could or would survive the next few days.. I was so uncomfortable and it was likely going to get worse.. So after he hung up she would call and tell me she would take me up there.. To go to their old house and hang out there the furnace was set to 65 which was cool but not horrible.. They are in the middle of moving out and renting the house..   She would stop by after getting some business done with a lawyer..  We would leave and it wouldn't entail taking her sister along to drop her off.. The quicker I get to my brothers house the better.. I felt horrible and was afraid the end was near for me.. 

The trip was brutal my back hurt and there was no way to get me comfortable just no way at all.. I must have looked like a recovering drug addict going down the road, contorting to finf comfort and there was none to be found.. Should I have been riding in the back laying on the floor?? I have no idea there was no comfort to be found and I was sick as well not sick with a cold or flu but rather not feeling good and not seeing an end in sight.. Just sleep might be all I need.  HELP ME WILL YOU???  Not saying this to anyone.. I was in the worst pain but not hurting it was just a mass of discomfort..  That night would see me fall asleep on my brothers couch in his man cave watching whatever it was they were watching..  I would get up and go to bed, "we have a new bed in the spare bed room you can crash there"..  And I climbed in there there were no distractions unlike at home where I have a bed that is a circus  in training, the scanner radio that is likely too loud and a hallway light that has been perpetually on since  I can remember, and  I started leaving my bedroom door open ever since mom had an issue downstairs.. I felt it kept me able to hear her if she were to fall and yell..  I slept quite well that Wednesday night. Awoke the next morning feeling like I might live.. Still have not much to eat, they had crackers and I needed to eat something to take the prescriptions with.. That would be all I would eat.. I wondered as  I got up that day how much weight I might have lose this way.. 

Thursday was a lost day, I was so out of it and yet my brother would take me to the walmart that day during his lunch break and found a few things more than nothing to eat, some turkey and whole wheat bread would be the life saver.. As I was there I was looking on line for what to look for to eat.. Thursday was an off day and as well the not eating right or very much was catching up with me as I wash havinf troubles with balance issues and again I though of mom, her inner ear being burned out made her not have any balance and All I could think was how could she get along with this as long as she did.. 

So Friday was another off day, just trying to get used to the new eat nearly nothing could  I survive om nearly nothing?? the answer would be no.. You gotta eat.. I ate those turkey sandwiches and thought about things and watch tv and did the computer looking up al things gallbladder and everything to keep from having another attack.  Wondering how the cat was getting along..

 Saturday would see my older brother looking up everything I had and reading it back verbatum and I thought well now he knows but we are looking up things together and telling his wife about them as well Bananas could be eaten as well as a few other things.. Anything is a breakthrough.. I had gotten away from eating bananas during the heavy dieting times because they have a certain amount of sugar naturally occurring in them and I was close to being a diabetic and didn't want that extra sugar .. I felt like I could lose more weight this way so I cut out bananas altogether and mom would eat one or two a week so she as well stopped wanting them.. but now  I would eat them..I needed food of some sort..    Saturday would see me wathc a football game or two wit the Nebraska game being paramount to see.. It was over t the half for my brother who would have to do some honey do things, one being get the leaves picked up.. he uses a blower to move them.. I am watching them do this and thinking would I be able to do  this the following week?? I highly doubted it, I was quickly becoming the weak kitten that I  was when I was on my diet a year earlier.. this was strange to feel this way, I had balance issues still seemed like I had been drinking and so I felt strange.. As they got done after the game I went out and sat on their patio and talked..they wanted to have a full family sit down for supper and I agreed but it would take an effort on their part to find something I could eat.. They agreed to get me chicken breast and he would grill it out side.. We stat down and ate a really good meal.. The most I had eaten in days maybe a full  week.. But I was afraid the size of the meal might come back to haunt me but as the night moved along there was nothing to worry about..

 Sunday would see me going back home as they went to church and I went to walmart armed with little more knowledge about what to look for, I would get a few things that I already had but more of it..  Went home stopped by moms grave and then went on home to face the music as far as the cat was concerned.. she seemed pissed but got over it.. That night would see the sleeping situation change a little bit, I closed the cat out, and turned down the scanner radio eventually that will be shut off since most of what is on the scanner id railroad in the clear and even that might be a bout to change.. and really not much to listen for.. I would get a fairly good nights sleep but still wasn't over some issues.. My hips no longer hurt, they stopped hurting on Thursday after my first nights sleep.. My back was still stiff and remains that way daily..    What can you do about it.. heat pad and ice pad ...  Wednesday would see me go to walmart armed with knowing that as close to zero in fat content is what I need to get.. At least for now.. And the lower the number therein was what to look for and would be what I got.. three frozen meals, four cans of soup, eight bottles of gatoraide or poweraide the electrolites from that were what likely helped turn the tide while  I was up at their house..  but instead of two flavors I got as many as  I could..

What can I say about my older brother.. HE built himself up from nothing but even when he was at his lowest he always seemed family oriented and would do anything for us.. well for me anyway.. I needed help so many times growing up and he would be there to help me no matter what..  I am thankfully not a drug addict because I am not sure he or his wife would be as forgiving and open their house for me.. They seem to want me to come up but ai feel like there are times what that is only once in a while not as often as they say.. I really think if I were there very much I would wear out my welcome..  I have two brothers I care for both equally but for some reason have never felt as close to my little brother since he had been married.. Really me and my older brother were born almost at the same time in fact just about a little over a year apart.. did we have our differences growing up?? yes and actually we might have gotten into like cats and dogs here and there but we were fairly close..  and as the years passed and he got on the place he is now I was so proud that he moved up the ladder the way he did..  Now he decided to take the top position where he is at which meant a move to a different house in a different town an hour and a half away..  this seemed to break my moms heart a bit as this was first announced I told her yeah but it is the top position, he should get it if he wants it, he passed on it once before and now he got it.. It means more money (I suppose) but he gets the top position now..  His wife wanted the move her job was gone from cabelas folding up shop there.. she wanted out and leaft and while my brother was in the midst of the move mom had two issues, first her intestine knotted up on her and the second was her hip breaking all ten days apart.. her las t few months were hell topped off by nearly dying on her birthday..  what a shitfuck..