This entry started out on Face Book had to be moved here..

The number of entries on my blog that pertain to mom and what happened to her is staggering.. It's like I started to write about something else and it turned into an entry about mom.. None of them were published but it blows me away.. writing helps me cope and helped me to get it together.. I can help myself that way.. The thinking of going to a therapist might be in some peoples mind as a good idea but I don't need to hear what a bad person my mom was, or my dad was.. Parents get the bulk of the blame because they are the ones who are charged with raising these young people.. And the do the best they can no matter what they are going through themselves.. I know my mom wasn't perfect, nor was my dad but they did the best they could, and I don't need a therapist to tell me how bad a job they did, nobody is perfect.. I did the same thing hen my dad passed away although I wasn't on the internet at the time of his passing I got on shortly after and started a blog and ended up writing about his death and tried to remember to best of my knowledge as best I could but even just a month after mom passing away certain things are being lost in my mind, so after dad passed and I started writing about it certain facts were gone to me and I didn't want to bother anyone else in the family about it because I wanted to write what I remember, and not have anyone else cloud my memory.. This was just for me, and really it helped me out.. for instance to read his death certificate I won't tell you what all his causes were but one that was left out was a very glaring one.. You see dad supposedly had a heart episode and they wanted to put in a stint and I thought at the time it wasn't a good idea but because he was feeling better why should we question it. I remember that Saturday when we went in and saw him he was doing fine and all I could think was he dodged a bullet.. Turns out this was just a good day.. He would have another the next day when Donald and Lucy went down me and mom stayed behind..Had I known the that Saturday was going to be my last to see him as the man I knew I would have gone down on that Sunday as well.. But I thought everything was in hand.. You see having that stint put in compromised his ability to fight the infection he had acquired on the Thursday night, and he was in the fight of his life but it didn't appear to be that way on Saturday when we saw him.. Had he not had that stint put in I like his chances of surviving the infection but he needed all that strength that was taken from him in that surgery.. it was much the same as with mom in her intestinal surgery and then having that hip surgery five days later.. Too much too soon I'm afraid.. But in moms case it was something that couldn't be avoided..To me there are other factors that are playing into my guilt. and while there are those who are saying but but but just let me day that there are things that had I done differently that might have seen a difference of outcome.. Where as with dad the stint could have been put off until after he recovered from his infection.. if that would have happened, Yes I am not sure he would have recovered but I liked his chances without that unneeded surgery.. And it wasn't life or death right then had they waited even a month or until after the first of the year to put in that stint and at the time he had his first stint in it took six hours of laying completely still for the surgery to be completed, most of the six hours were after the stint was put in, he just had to lay completely still.. Imagine the fun that had to have been..