Every now and then..
Last night I had a flashback to this past August.. When my mom passed away.. Something sparked it, I had gotten to the point where it wasn't happening every day or once a week in fact it might have been close to a month since I even though of that time at all.. I try to steer clear of talking about mom with anyone in the family, the early days right after mom passed I would make reference to her in any number of conversations but I started to feel like that wasn't a welcome topic at all anymore so if I feel that coming up I stop myself.. Just a really good idea.. Mom was on speaking terms with everyone but they seemed somewhat strained as my older brother described that he felt like she wasn't happy in the last few months if not longer. My feeling is yes she wasn't happy especially with her choice to have botox done in her neck to eleviate the shaking or tremor she had developed since her sinus surgery way back when.. My feeling is she had to know things weren't going to go well with that.. Her problems from that coupled with her getting her inner ear burned out from the antibiotics she had to endure made her lose her balance and made me think twice about ever having any procedure done.. The latest with the gallbladder being a prime example, my feeling is the things that could go wrong being like one percent are still there and I would likely develop something along those lines which would likely cost even more to fix.. I don't trust any doctors no matter how I felt they were with mom at all.. I was thinking about one of the causes of her death and while I still feel like I might have some blame for it there were signs that something wasn't right.. there was a time back a year or more ago when she was telling me her trials and tribulations with her shit.. Mostly she never sounded like her shit was very consistent anymore, it was either she was shitting water or very soft, or she was constipated and had to have grapes or something to soften her self up.. So I kept thinking this isn't right and why didn't she go see her doctor to check into this.. Had she done it sooner she might have only had her intestinal surgery and it might not have been as drastic to fix and she might have been alright.. There is all this that I think about, you know mom was stubborn as hell but she also seemed full at the ready to take care of herself via going to the doctor and finding things out.. I worried that it might be cancer but she had blood tests done yearly to look for any signs of whatever might be wrong.. OR I like to think that is what the tests were for..Likely they were for just the thyroid and that stuff that they looked at every year since she had it taken out..
My older brother got into a tizzy a few years back on Christmas of all days and what it all was about I have no idea but it seemed to put a strain on their relationship for the rest of her life.. I found her journal about he day after she had passed away and started to read it. there were signs of her saying she didn't feel very good but the entries stopped long before she had a serious issue pop up, in fact I think it was just after the twins were born.. Which is sad. I really enjoyed reading her journal, it showed how her penmanship was deteriorarting as well but I could still read it.. And yes she wrote about that blowup.. and wondered if things would ever get better.. I remember that time and remember leaning into my brothers wife to get her goad and make her pissed off at me.. I don't know why I did it, I felt like I should maybe stick up for mom a little but I had no idea what the blowup was about and she never told me what it was about, I felt like I should at least try to get things to be as off track as I could but then wished I never said a word about it.. It was none of my business, and really should have remained that way.. Even to this day I have no idea or reasoning why my older brother and his wife are the way they are to me.. It's like nothing ever happened and really I am so thankful they don't carry a grudge a t all I could easily be out on the streets right now and still feel like that might be the deserving place for me right now but they are family.. I am really greatful they are the way they are toward me.. I think if I were into drugs I am not sure how they would feel then.. The way he was towards his daughter before she died they both tried everything in their power to make her go the right way.... She moved out of the house so they could help her.. Made her be a little more independent and she proved she could be just as much of a slob on her own as she was living with them.. even more so.. I felt so sorry for them when she died.. I felt like the way my older brother found his daughter might in fact be the way I would find mom and that scared the hell out of me.. And it still does because it wasn't that far off from the way I did find mom.. That last few weeks or days still haunt me.. I will always question my actions as to what I might have been able to do to change things.. Really I think she was just at the point where it was getting to be too much for her.. I remember one day before all this happened, actually several times when mom would be in the fn ont room an I would come down in the morning and not hear her stirring or nothing, she slept in a few times here and there and every time she would I would wonder is she alright, .. did she die in her sleep.. My brothers wife's mother died in her sleep almost a year before mom did , and she kept saying what a way to go.. That would be the way she would want to go.. sadly that was not to happen.. and so I would be in the kitchen looking at the paper or a magazine and hoping she would make the trek to the kitchen soon because I really dreaded going in there and checking to see if she was alright..and every morning she would put my fears to bed by showing up.. One morning she came in and asked if I had fed the cat and I said no, why would I you will just feed her again when you get in here, well what are you going to do when I am dead are you just going to starve her?? the thought did cross my mind and in a way that is what happened to the cat after mom passed away but not on purpose.. The day mom passed away my brother and sister in law went to get things to come here to the house for a few days, probably through the week end since it was laborday weekend and we have a big celebration here on that weekend.. However this years was going to be different, there weren't as many activities planned and nearly none carried out.. I guess the organizers have grown tired of doing it still themselves.. I guess they don't get their asses kissed enough. Or something.. at any rate we had four more people in the house than the cat was used to but more over there was a big fury animal thabarked every now and then.. The cat stayed somewhere out of sight for those days except for Sunday when they were at church.. I went out to the cemetery that day and for whatever the reason spent quite a while out there, I walked around and looked at headstones and reminiced about days gone by with mom and we talked, just as if she wasn't gone really.. The thing I missed the most about her was her ability to say the right thing at just the right time.. I never thought I was very smart and mom always put herself down but I happen to know she was quite smart.. she tried to come off as not very smart and when it came to computer and iphones and the ilk therein yeah she really had no clue but then if it was easy it wouldn't be as much fun either.. I figured that out as I learned how to do the computer.. If it was overly easy it would be less fun that way.. Mom loiked to be frustrated and that is really all I can say about he things like that, she wanted to understand them all at once.. she seemed to forget easily how to do some things like texting and other things like that, had troubles with Facebook but I told her I would go days before finding something that family member put on there just an hour ago.. And it is still that way really.. Mom seemed to like to have to have things be harder than they had to be.. she would call me into the room to check what wasn't working right and It would really be nothing big, no big deal and I tried to make it look that way no matter what.. She always felt like she was on the verge of breaking something.. At one point threatening to throw the computer across the room in a fit of rage.. And when I got it to work and it didn't seem like that big of a deal to do so it most of the time was push a button of some sort.. She seemed genuinely happy I could fix it for her but was also wondering why she should even bother with it at all.. She rarely used the computer at all after she got her iphone it was just the right amount of frustration for her with just that, why bother adding the new computer into the mix.. And so I would mostly use her new computer and she would play with her iphone and watch tv and the roku was anoth bone of contention she had to deal with.. Last year we were losing our cable tv and had to find an alternative to what we had loved.. Really I didn't mind our cable tv, it was ok.. I really didn't watch it much since getting NEtflix and mostly watching that.. When we would have to get a new way to watch tv and she said will go with dish, we had dish once before but got out of it for some reason.. Likely the clutter and it remains that way to this day.. I wanted to try something else, and saw the online tv services like Sling which my younger brother had or Playstation Vue which had the local channels on it.. Or some other services but the others were not yet availabel to us in our area yet.. So we were kinda tied and really i liked the idea of getting fewer channels and really almost no clutter,,So we would try sling but mom really wasn't interested in it, we still had cable tv and I felt like she was sure it was not going to be taken off at all so she didn't even try to use it.. Just as well no locals meant hard to believe we would even try it seriously.. Then we tried PS Vue (Playstation Vue) and I lked it but there was an issue, our internet wasn't fast enough to support it at the time.. So we didn't sign up for it after the trial.. So now what?? well I decided to see if we could get faster intenet and sure snough for a small increase we got a faster internet speed but there was still a problem, it wasn't consistantly fast, it was supposed to be ten megs and we ould get ten sometimes and other times would get more but at premetime we would get less that ten and this made watching anything impossible.. I gave them a few weeks to fix it, we had a few weeks before they shut the cable tv off and so in just a few days we had the internet via a dedicated modem so we had ten megs and I would retry PS Vue and it worked like a dream and we would have it for the rest of that year.. It was almost the same channels as cable tv as well only in better shape vision wise is concerned.. mom m=would get used to pretty much only one thing, getting to her beloved CBS channel and that was pretty much all sh would watch.. I never saw her watch any other channel , just watch CBS which is good, she would eventually get the NBC app to go and watch her belove day time soap Days of Our lives but really never went into finding how the new tv service worked.. Eve nwhen I tried to get Directv Now for a month to see if it would be easier to use for her, she stil wanted ot watch CBs and we had issues with buffering with DTVN and so we were able to switched back a month later.. a very long month later.. It was a ten dollar experiment that backfired.. Oh well . I was just glad we went back to PS Vue but wished we would have tried YouTube TV when it was available to us.. She would likely have not been happy.. she wanted dish but was alright with what we had .. I mean I guess she was happy.. She said she was but I was never sure and right up to the first time she went into the hospital I thought about saying well maybe the experiment of streaming tv should end and lets go ahead and get dish now.. Thankfully that conversation never happened but after she passed away I did trial YOutube tv and ended up getting it.. It has it's issues but I honestly think she would have figured it out .. Maybe even more than PS Vue.. I don't know.. Mom like making things harder than they had to be..
My older brother got into a tizzy a few years back on Christmas of all days and what it all was about I have no idea but it seemed to put a strain on their relationship for the rest of her life.. I found her journal about he day after she had passed away and started to read it. there were signs of her saying she didn't feel very good but the entries stopped long before she had a serious issue pop up, in fact I think it was just after the twins were born.. Which is sad. I really enjoyed reading her journal, it showed how her penmanship was deteriorarting as well but I could still read it.. And yes she wrote about that blowup.. and wondered if things would ever get better.. I remember that time and remember leaning into my brothers wife to get her goad and make her pissed off at me.. I don't know why I did it, I felt like I should maybe stick up for mom a little but I had no idea what the blowup was about and she never told me what it was about, I felt like I should at least try to get things to be as off track as I could but then wished I never said a word about it.. It was none of my business, and really should have remained that way.. Even to this day I have no idea or reasoning why my older brother and his wife are the way they are to me.. It's like nothing ever happened and really I am so thankful they don't carry a grudge a t all I could easily be out on the streets right now and still feel like that might be the deserving place for me right now but they are family.. I am really greatful they are the way they are toward me.. I think if I were into drugs I am not sure how they would feel then.. The way he was towards his daughter before she died they both tried everything in their power to make her go the right way.... She moved out of the house so they could help her.. Made her be a little more independent and she proved she could be just as much of a slob on her own as she was living with them.. even more so.. I felt so sorry for them when she died.. I felt like the way my older brother found his daughter might in fact be the way I would find mom and that scared the hell out of me.. And it still does because it wasn't that far off from the way I did find mom.. That last few weeks or days still haunt me.. I will always question my actions as to what I might have been able to do to change things.. Really I think she was just at the point where it was getting to be too much for her.. I remember one day before all this happened, actually several times when mom would be in the fn ont room an I would come down in the morning and not hear her stirring or nothing, she slept in a few times here and there and every time she would I would wonder is she alright, .. did she die in her sleep.. My brothers wife's mother died in her sleep almost a year before mom did , and she kept saying what a way to go.. That would be the way she would want to go.. sadly that was not to happen.. and so I would be in the kitchen looking at the paper or a magazine and hoping she would make the trek to the kitchen soon because I really dreaded going in there and checking to see if she was alright..and every morning she would put my fears to bed by showing up.. One morning she came in and asked if I had fed the cat and I said no, why would I you will just feed her again when you get in here, well what are you going to do when I am dead are you just going to starve her?? the thought did cross my mind and in a way that is what happened to the cat after mom passed away but not on purpose.. The day mom passed away my brother and sister in law went to get things to come here to the house for a few days, probably through the week end since it was laborday weekend and we have a big celebration here on that weekend.. However this years was going to be different, there weren't as many activities planned and nearly none carried out.. I guess the organizers have grown tired of doing it still themselves.. I guess they don't get their asses kissed enough. Or something.. at any rate we had four more people in the house than the cat was used to but more over there was a big fury animal thabarked every now and then.. The cat stayed somewhere out of sight for those days except for Sunday when they were at church.. I went out to the cemetery that day and for whatever the reason spent quite a while out there, I walked around and looked at headstones and reminiced about days gone by with mom and we talked, just as if she wasn't gone really.. The thing I missed the most about her was her ability to say the right thing at just the right time.. I never thought I was very smart and mom always put herself down but I happen to know she was quite smart.. she tried to come off as not very smart and when it came to computer and iphones and the ilk therein yeah she really had no clue but then if it was easy it wouldn't be as much fun either.. I figured that out as I learned how to do the computer.. If it was overly easy it would be less fun that way.. Mom loiked to be frustrated and that is really all I can say about he things like that, she wanted to understand them all at once.. she seemed to forget easily how to do some things like texting and other things like that, had troubles with Facebook but I told her I would go days before finding something that family member put on there just an hour ago.. And it is still that way really.. Mom seemed to like to have to have things be harder than they had to be.. she would call me into the room to check what wasn't working right and It would really be nothing big, no big deal and I tried to make it look that way no matter what.. She always felt like she was on the verge of breaking something.. At one point threatening to throw the computer across the room in a fit of rage.. And when I got it to work and it didn't seem like that big of a deal to do so it most of the time was push a button of some sort.. She seemed genuinely happy I could fix it for her but was also wondering why she should even bother with it at all.. She rarely used the computer at all after she got her iphone it was just the right amount of frustration for her with just that, why bother adding the new computer into the mix.. And so I would mostly use her new computer and she would play with her iphone and watch tv and the roku was anoth bone of contention she had to deal with.. Last year we were losing our cable tv and had to find an alternative to what we had loved.. Really I didn't mind our cable tv, it was ok.. I really didn't watch it much since getting NEtflix and mostly watching that.. When we would have to get a new way to watch tv and she said will go with dish, we had dish once before but got out of it for some reason.. Likely the clutter and it remains that way to this day.. I wanted to try something else, and saw the online tv services like Sling which my younger brother had or Playstation Vue which had the local channels on it.. Or some other services but the others were not yet availabel to us in our area yet.. So we were kinda tied and really i liked the idea of getting fewer channels and really almost no clutter,,So we would try sling but mom really wasn't interested in it, we still had cable tv and I felt like she was sure it was not going to be taken off at all so she didn't even try to use it.. Just as well no locals meant hard to believe we would even try it seriously.. Then we tried PS Vue (Playstation Vue) and I lked it but there was an issue, our internet wasn't fast enough to support it at the time.. So we didn't sign up for it after the trial.. So now what?? well I decided to see if we could get faster intenet and sure snough for a small increase we got a faster internet speed but there was still a problem, it wasn't consistantly fast, it was supposed to be ten megs and we ould get ten sometimes and other times would get more but at premetime we would get less that ten and this made watching anything impossible.. I gave them a few weeks to fix it, we had a few weeks before they shut the cable tv off and so in just a few days we had the internet via a dedicated modem so we had ten megs and I would retry PS Vue and it worked like a dream and we would have it for the rest of that year.. It was almost the same channels as cable tv as well only in better shape vision wise is concerned.. mom m=would get used to pretty much only one thing, getting to her beloved CBS channel and that was pretty much all sh would watch.. I never saw her watch any other channel , just watch CBS which is good, she would eventually get the NBC app to go and watch her belove day time soap Days of Our lives but really never went into finding how the new tv service worked.. Eve nwhen I tried to get Directv Now for a month to see if it would be easier to use for her, she stil wanted ot watch CBs and we had issues with buffering with DTVN and so we were able to switched back a month later.. a very long month later.. It was a ten dollar experiment that backfired.. Oh well . I was just glad we went back to PS Vue but wished we would have tried YouTube TV when it was available to us.. She would likely have not been happy.. she wanted dish but was alright with what we had .. I mean I guess she was happy.. She said she was but I was never sure and right up to the first time she went into the hospital I thought about saying well maybe the experiment of streaming tv should end and lets go ahead and get dish now.. Thankfully that conversation never happened but after she passed away I did trial YOutube tv and ended up getting it.. It has it's issues but I honestly think she would have figured it out .. Maybe even more than PS Vue.. I don't know.. Mom like making things harder than they had to be..
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