UNKINK MY STYNK

I know the last few visits to the cemetery have been more to see mom and talk to her but then it was always about mom from even back when you were alive.. Dad you are never far from my thoughts but mom is the way I think of things.. Dad you were very important to me and still are but being gone as long as you have been is tough to think of you..   I miss the both of you guys, I mean I can still see the both of you at the kitchen table talking on Saturdays when I was younger and discussing the weeks events and should we go get the trash and hall it to the dump that day.. There were times when we went to the dump in pretty awful weather but we did it and I "helped" where I could.. I am beginning to think you did a lot of that to try to make me seem like I was worth something.. I am beginning to think I have no worth in this world anymore.. I loved both you and mom very much but there are times that I wished both of you would have bashed my head in and made me think of someone ...

Last night I had a flashback to this past August..  When my mom passed away.. Something sparked it,  I had gotten to the point where it wasn't happening every day or once a week in fact it might have been close to a month since I even though of that time at all..  I try to steer clear of talking about mom with anyone in the family, the early days right after mom passed I would make reference to her in any number of conversations but I started to feel like that wasn't a welcome topic at all anymore so if I feel that coming up I stop myself.. Just a really good idea.. Mom was on speaking terms with everyone but they seemed somewhat strained as my older brother described that he felt like she wasn't happy in the last few months if not longer. My feeling is yes she wasn't happy especially with her choice to have botox done in her neck to eleviate the shaking or tremor she had developed since her sinus surgery way back when.. My feeling is she had to know things weren't...

When my gallbladder exploded last weekend things changed for me.. I had my older brother in with me in the ER...  I was thinking how long would I have waited before going down to the hospital myself.. Hard to say.. My brother was on his way to take his daughters to the pumpkin patch and thankfully they didn't tell them they were going.  They were at a store and he had called to tell me they were going out.. Thankfully I had told him I was wanting to go out there and see them otherwise he likely wouldn't have called..  HE called the house number and I heard the phone wring although I was more or less yelling OUCH at he time I heard some of the message and couldn't get to the phone in time to talk to him.. Gotta call him and find out if this can be fixed..At the time I had no idea what it was..  I called him back and they came down with a little bottle of the pink stuff to help ease the upset tummy.. It wasn't that and that stuff didn't help and likely wouldn't h...

Every day for the since like early February last year the ritual on every morning has been to get up and fist this hop on the scale to check the weight.. I was wanting to lose weight from bout the start of last year and had a goal in mind..I weighed around 209 pounds at the very beginning of this.. and by Memorial weekend was down to 170 pounds and as with most people who lose weight gaining it back is what usually happens and I was no exception and would "roller coaster" the weight although not that much, the most I would weigh was 180 around my birthday last year owing to a pizza binge I went on.. Lost that weight by the end of the year and was at 170 through all of this year.. Then mom died... And I did eat wrong for a few weeks as a way of mourning I suppose although I was eating wrong before she died.. Then two weeks ago I had a gallbladder attack which really set me back.. I had been eating the wrong foods for enough time that it caught up with me.. and two weeks a...