Some fill in..
I wrote the entry about my mom and how she went into the hospital for intestinal surgery and came out in a pine box, and it was hard to witness her sudden decline in health.. I mean she was more or less fine when she went in.. or was she.. She had complained of stomach pain for years, and she had irregular bowel movements, irregular in that it was either hard as a rock or hard, constipation type of thing or it would be beyond runny, runny as in pissing type of runny.. And I thought there is a problem here but.. I think she told her doctor about it any number of times.. Well every year she would go in to see him to get her prescriptions rewritten and she would have labs done and every year there was nothing out of the ordinary show up.. To me out of the ordinary would have been some sort of cancer or something of that nature.. When cancer isn't present then there really seams to be nothing to worry about.. Or is there.. Mom had been complaining about stomach issues for years, and then her back would hurt.. She would do some house hold work and have to sit down because her back would hurt.. My back would hurt and if I stopped doing something for a few seconds it would subside and then I would go back at it again and it would start to hurt but I felt like I could control it.. Mom's back seemed related to something inside.. When I went to the hospital last January (2017) and had my blood pressure issue my back hurt then.. I just assumed the bed sucked, I mean I had heard those beds are the worst, and this would hurt.. Then one of the nurses said it might be that I was dehydrated and I should drink water so I did.. Didn't change things but I told mom that when her back was hurting maybe try drinking water, and plenty of it.and so she did.. Her back seamed to let up a little after i got out of the hospital when I told her to do that, and maybe bought her some time.. But it was there.. And likely had she gone in and had some other test they might have caught this thing sooner.. Maybe not.. In my case my back hurts if I do things wrong, such as lift too much weight without a support belt on.. This condition came on from unloading a truck for McDonalds for a few years, likely longer than I should have, It took me dislocating my left elbow to stop that stupid thing.. Hey I liked doing it, although my body was never designed to do that kind of labor... I might have looked big but some people look big, they aren't supposed to be..
So .... back when mom had her sinus surgery done she opted to do recovery in the local hospital, the one that was a few miles from where she ended up in August... She had to have IV antibiotics, the strongest most nasty kind they have to keep her from getting a bone infection after that surgery and it would take three weeks, actually that would take closer to two months of being in the hospital.. and that was rough on her.. So instead of staying in Scotts bluff she opted to go to Sidney and do that swing bed thing, she would be allowed to leave the hospital for a few hours a day, going wherever she wanted, mostly home.. And mostly to just be away from the hospital.. I will never forget when we brought her to the hospital there.. She was fine, was walking down the corridor until she got by the bathroom and then she had to go in there quickly.. We had stopped at a place to eat in Bridgeport and she tried to eat soup there and might have had too much, it came back on her as we got into the hospital.. She then was wheeled to her room there and all the time she was there she complained about smelling natural gas.. And All I could think is it was that blowby thing that happens on those units like that, when they burn off the excesss whatever it is they do.. That was the way it was at McD's... Anyway she would be in there and getting her routine down..sort of.. you remember how I said she walked into the hospital on her own for the most part?? well that would change fairly shortly.. On the first doctor there who visited with her, she was this cheeky turd doctor who was so certain of herself and just confident as hell.. Her name was Mandy Shaw and she gained the nickname from me short and sassy.. And here is why, she was always wearing platformed shoes, to increase her height, and every time I saw her in these rediculous shoes Iwanted so bad to say what do ya gotta climb a ladder to get onto those things?? SHIT GET REAL!!! anyway one of the first things mom told her this is the way they have been doing things in Scotts Bluff, once every three hours or four hours and there were two different antibiotics she had to have every.. "well that's not how we do things here..We do things different here" Notice she didn't say we do things right here,.. We do things different here.. Yep, just how different we would find out as I would see mom go from being in the swing bed and able to walk the halls of the hospital to being confined to the bed and not able to get around without the aide of a wheel chair or a walker.. Things would get that way because they screwed up.. They over lapped the antibiotics and they would do the labs and send them but the internet was down for three days.. In those three days moms inner ear would be burned out, rendering her without any balance .. and his wouldn't effect her just for the rest of her stay in that hospital like I think they thought initially, this condition would effect her the rest of her life..She would need the help of a walker or a walking stick or someone to help her to get around.. Then there was this day that me and my older brother were there and mom had us help her walk the hallway of the hospital.. I think she thought they didn't know exactly how bad she was balance wise.. They got it then.. And I remember them doing that where they move her head and try to make the hairs and those little stones come in line to stop this from happening.. Vertigo is a tough thing to get over.. I have had it several times but never for very long.. the latest was about a year ago and it lasted over night..
She didn't let on how serious bad this was and for the longest time I just thought it was a little bad, like having one too many to drink, you know how that feels?? this was more like being plastered on a binge drinking affair only when you can sober up over a day, this is how mom felt everyday, day in and day out, think of every activity being plastered for.. She would drive once, about a year after that, she got up the nerve to ask to drive.. We went out to the cemetery, and back.. she wouldn't drive very fast just about forty.. she hadn't driven in over a year before this and so she was a little rusty about how to do it.. she wouldn't drive again although she said she thought she could in an emergency situation.. We never had one of those thankfully.. The year my little brother's brother in law would come to visit his wife he wanted to do something for mom so she said we had this shed that was just sitting around collecting dust, he could build that.. During the building of that shed is when I would find out how bad off my mom was.. She was using this weeds weasel thing, it was like a claw on a cane but more like a garden tool, but she was using it like a walking cane, fooling us for a little while longer.. And then one day after breakfast she went out to hang the clothes on the clothes line and to get there she had to walk down there a little ways, there was a hill but that wasn't the issue, she went out to get that "cane" and it was likely in the ground a little more than she was prepared for, it had these rubber stoppers on the ends to protect the pointy ends, and keep them sharp.. I had stuck it into the ground there by the old deck there and mom must have gone out there and had troubles getting it out of the ground and lost her balance and went down.. I had gone up to get my stuff ready to take a shower.. I came back down and heard her groaning somewhere.. Where was she?? I stepped out side and there she was, next to the old deck (the olde deck was a drum stage I had used back when I was in a band, now it was regulated to being a deck sort of thing) where had she landed?? Seems like she broke something so we had to make a flying trip to get her looked at.. Turns out it was a broken clavicle.. Shoulder blade, maybe not broken but severly bruised.. I was nothing if not the full reason my mom would go downhill health wise.. I think now that had I not been around mom would have lived a much better brighter life than she did.. That garden weasel thing would be banished from being able to be used by mom ever again.. in fact I rarely use the damn thing..
How many falls would mom endure?? I can't really say.. The more memorable ones were more firsts than anything else.. There was the time during the night she fell by the china hutch that was a late night thing.. the one where when she fell I was johnny on the spot and was able to get down stairs blurry eyed but able to help her right up.. she was sick and had to make it to the bathroom or she was going to burst.. She was able to hold it while I got her on her feet.. but barely made it in time..Sometimes I think it feels like you gotta go more than you actually have to.. Then there was a time when she fell about in the same place, we had just gotten back from town either getting groceries or going to the doctor or quite possibly both, and I had to go to the bathroom so I get her in the house and head to the bathroom, and in the middle of my business I hear what sounds like glass crashing. It was mom, she had gotten her purse where she wanted it and was trying to reach for something else and miss reached and fell.. She wasn't hurt really at all in most of her falls.. One time out front we were going somewhere in the early evening, likely to watch Ian while Donald had a dj gig, and mom was walking down the ramp there and misstepped and fell.. It was by the tower and a close call.. I had my camera cases and wasn't able to grab for her.. I would stop carrying anything in my hands from that point on.. I would stop going into the bathroom if mom wasn't settled in the kitchen putting groceries away.. I would alter the way I did things to make sure mom was set.. I would go on afternoon walks when I was trying to lose weight only when she was settled in on the couch, I tried to not have as many chances of her being up and walking when I was away from the house for very long and I kept my phone with me at all times just in case..
Another time last year I think, I was outside mowing the grass and was just going along fairly well and suddenly I heard the back door slamming.. I thought initially it was the cat slamming it because she did, but this was too many times in succession... Mom had fallen somewhere and made it to the door to signal me.. I found her there but wasn't hurt at all..
There were times when mom would fall onto a nice soft surface, such as the couch.. The car seat, I would help her up, she would be standing there but then fall backwards into the seat.. I initially thought she was kidding around.. She wasn't.. So from that point on I made sure I had her Supported next to the car before letting her go.. What bothers me the most however is the times in the last few weeks the she would fall on the couch.. I didn't like that.. Her neck was messed up after the botox injections to help stop a tremor she had had for a while, the doctor (Kakar as it turns out) injected in late June of this year setting mom up to have nothing short of the most miserable summer she has ever had.. And she would flop herself down on the couch or the chair or the car seat.. It seamed she was having more intense flopping down when she would do this.. Seems like an indicator of things to come.. I kept thinking I really don't like her flopping down like this, what happens if she just drops like this without a soft landing.. That might have been what happened that Friday Morning when she fell and broke her hip.. But as they have been trying to explain to me that she likely broke her hip and then she fell.. I remember her that Sunday after her surgery that this was going to take her forever to recover from.. I told her you just go at it one day at a time.. minute by minute as the song goes ..
Five years ago she got her diving license renewed.. Don't ask me why she did that.. Her driving wasn't horrible ever but as her ability to walk without assistance went away so did her ability to drive.. And it wasn't just her balance that would have kept her from driving.. Her vision started to deteriorate, not that she was going blind, actually her vision was great.. It was the fact that she could see double all the time and told me about that..She hated to come home in the dark and was really thankful that Donald would leave his guys at the house here instead.. I really would rather not drive at night but if I am well rested I can do fine, but late nights after watching the guys left me haggard.. I drove extremely slow but didn't mind the drive.. What I hated the most was getting mom up the ramp and in the house and she didn't like that much either.. Thankfully the last few years were not driven any more.. I was happy and so was mom... Anyway when we would be coming down the road she would explain what she was seeing as traffic approached, it was at least two cars headlights.. and if they were very bright she would be blinded, have to turn away from the oncoming traffic until it was passed.. Then there was the trains with their three headlight pattern and coupled that with the oncoming traffic and you've got a hell of a light show going on there.. It really was nice to not have to do that anymore.. She went to the eye doctor in Scotts bluff a last October or late September and he did the tests to see how her vision was doing.. Why she was there?? well her regular doctor suggested that after a few years she sould go just to make sure everything was just fine.. and so she did, and when he did her vision test her vision was 20/20.. Perfect.. So why was she seeing double then?? well her eyes weren't working together anymore.. When everything is right with your eyes you see one of everything. and in moms case they were working like separate entities, one eye but two separate vision patterns.. He told her if she got tired of this vision pattern to go see an eye doctor in Sidney and he would get her a pair of glasses to stop this.. We were going through the process of trying something like a black something to cover one eye and try to get that to fix itself when her stomach flared up on that fateful Wednesday... I think she was going to see the eye doctor in Sidney by the end of September.. Not sure.. Anyway..
I know there are those who think so I am alone now, it wasn't much different with mom here, but it was.. Mom was here.. I could talk to her, we wouldn't have the deepest conversations but.. It was nice.. Now I talk to the walls.. think about things.. Before she passed away I was thinking about trying YouTube Tv, the streaming service like PS Vue but different and was getting ready to watch the first weekend and then talk to her about trialing YouTube tv and why.. Mostly I think we would have trialed it but then not gotten it.. One reason was on PS Vue the channel she watched, in fact she watched only one channel on the system because it started at that channel, CBS.. And that was fine but I kept wanting to ask her was there anything else she wanted to watch.. In the hospital she was watching other channels and I thought well if she wanted to try another service of any kind we could have.. My biggest problem is we only watch a very small handful of channels.. Anyone at any time only watches maybe ten channels.. When I had dish it was great having all those channels but they were just there.. Most of them were fringe channels.. I couldn't see watching most of them.. When I changed to cable tv I felt like such a huge step in the wrong direction but then I started to notice how little tv I watched and it didn't matter.. I was glad we had our cable tv service say they were shutting down.. And when I told mom she thought we would have dish again.. I wanted to try something else and so mom relented.. I think at one point she told me she was happy with what we had,, I hope so but I never felt like mom was comfortable watching what we had..
There were a lot of times mom seemed disappointed with the situation, she wished we had more money and for that I feel like I was to blame and yes there were times when I felt like I could have gone off and worked, but it really scared me to leave mom for any amount of time.. she didn't fall daily or really every week, it was that off chance that if she fell while I was away could she signal someone to come help her.. We only have had these new phones for ten months now when she used it for an emergency.. I wasn't sure she could in fact dial anyone, let alone 911 and as it turns out she wasn't sure she knew how, since she called my older brother..
So many times I would catch her rolling her eyes at me or seemed to have tears in her eyes when I was talking to her about things.. I knew she wanted to have me do things, and talk about the end and really I should have talked to her.. Like when she said she wanted to be cremated, that I got loud and clear because I agreed and even told her I wanted that as well or a hobo funeral just toss me out the car going down the pike somewhere.. Let the state worry about it.. There are things I wished I would have talked to her about.. Such as if I can't afford to keep the house should we sell it.. I can't imagine it being anyone else being in there but.. You know it happens.. Wises house across the street is no longer wises.. Anderson's house is no longer Anderson's .. Eventually this house will be someone else's house, and it might happen sooner than you think.. I had thought about this very subject for well over the past two years or so.. How much money would it cost for me to stay here.. I have to figure that out, It's one of the things mom should have grabbed me by the collar and sat me down about.. mom was worried about the money situation, and really kept bringing it up and I guess I never thought it was that serious, that eventually we would get in a situation where she would use the government assistance that she never used, like paying for utilities or gas.. We never even thought of doing that.. She used that meals on wheels and had me on there for a few weeks.. They caught up with that and promptly booted me off.. But now it will be me only.. and while that might seem attractive it really isn't.. I feel isolated even though by brothers are just a phone call away.. I still feel very much alone.. I guess you get what you deserve..
So .... back when mom had her sinus surgery done she opted to do recovery in the local hospital, the one that was a few miles from where she ended up in August... She had to have IV antibiotics, the strongest most nasty kind they have to keep her from getting a bone infection after that surgery and it would take three weeks, actually that would take closer to two months of being in the hospital.. and that was rough on her.. So instead of staying in Scotts bluff she opted to go to Sidney and do that swing bed thing, she would be allowed to leave the hospital for a few hours a day, going wherever she wanted, mostly home.. And mostly to just be away from the hospital.. I will never forget when we brought her to the hospital there.. She was fine, was walking down the corridor until she got by the bathroom and then she had to go in there quickly.. We had stopped at a place to eat in Bridgeport and she tried to eat soup there and might have had too much, it came back on her as we got into the hospital.. She then was wheeled to her room there and all the time she was there she complained about smelling natural gas.. And All I could think is it was that blowby thing that happens on those units like that, when they burn off the excesss whatever it is they do.. That was the way it was at McD's... Anyway she would be in there and getting her routine down..sort of.. you remember how I said she walked into the hospital on her own for the most part?? well that would change fairly shortly.. On the first doctor there who visited with her, she was this cheeky turd doctor who was so certain of herself and just confident as hell.. Her name was Mandy Shaw and she gained the nickname from me short and sassy.. And here is why, she was always wearing platformed shoes, to increase her height, and every time I saw her in these rediculous shoes Iwanted so bad to say what do ya gotta climb a ladder to get onto those things?? SHIT GET REAL!!! anyway one of the first things mom told her this is the way they have been doing things in Scotts Bluff, once every three hours or four hours and there were two different antibiotics she had to have every.. "well that's not how we do things here..We do things different here" Notice she didn't say we do things right here,.. We do things different here.. Yep, just how different we would find out as I would see mom go from being in the swing bed and able to walk the halls of the hospital to being confined to the bed and not able to get around without the aide of a wheel chair or a walker.. Things would get that way because they screwed up.. They over lapped the antibiotics and they would do the labs and send them but the internet was down for three days.. In those three days moms inner ear would be burned out, rendering her without any balance .. and his wouldn't effect her just for the rest of her stay in that hospital like I think they thought initially, this condition would effect her the rest of her life..She would need the help of a walker or a walking stick or someone to help her to get around.. Then there was this day that me and my older brother were there and mom had us help her walk the hallway of the hospital.. I think she thought they didn't know exactly how bad she was balance wise.. They got it then.. And I remember them doing that where they move her head and try to make the hairs and those little stones come in line to stop this from happening.. Vertigo is a tough thing to get over.. I have had it several times but never for very long.. the latest was about a year ago and it lasted over night..
She didn't let on how serious bad this was and for the longest time I just thought it was a little bad, like having one too many to drink, you know how that feels?? this was more like being plastered on a binge drinking affair only when you can sober up over a day, this is how mom felt everyday, day in and day out, think of every activity being plastered for.. She would drive once, about a year after that, she got up the nerve to ask to drive.. We went out to the cemetery, and back.. she wouldn't drive very fast just about forty.. she hadn't driven in over a year before this and so she was a little rusty about how to do it.. she wouldn't drive again although she said she thought she could in an emergency situation.. We never had one of those thankfully.. The year my little brother's brother in law would come to visit his wife he wanted to do something for mom so she said we had this shed that was just sitting around collecting dust, he could build that.. During the building of that shed is when I would find out how bad off my mom was.. She was using this weeds weasel thing, it was like a claw on a cane but more like a garden tool, but she was using it like a walking cane, fooling us for a little while longer.. And then one day after breakfast she went out to hang the clothes on the clothes line and to get there she had to walk down there a little ways, there was a hill but that wasn't the issue, she went out to get that "cane" and it was likely in the ground a little more than she was prepared for, it had these rubber stoppers on the ends to protect the pointy ends, and keep them sharp.. I had stuck it into the ground there by the old deck there and mom must have gone out there and had troubles getting it out of the ground and lost her balance and went down.. I had gone up to get my stuff ready to take a shower.. I came back down and heard her groaning somewhere.. Where was she?? I stepped out side and there she was, next to the old deck (the olde deck was a drum stage I had used back when I was in a band, now it was regulated to being a deck sort of thing) where had she landed?? Seems like she broke something so we had to make a flying trip to get her looked at.. Turns out it was a broken clavicle.. Shoulder blade, maybe not broken but severly bruised.. I was nothing if not the full reason my mom would go downhill health wise.. I think now that had I not been around mom would have lived a much better brighter life than she did.. That garden weasel thing would be banished from being able to be used by mom ever again.. in fact I rarely use the damn thing..
How many falls would mom endure?? I can't really say.. The more memorable ones were more firsts than anything else.. There was the time during the night she fell by the china hutch that was a late night thing.. the one where when she fell I was johnny on the spot and was able to get down stairs blurry eyed but able to help her right up.. she was sick and had to make it to the bathroom or she was going to burst.. She was able to hold it while I got her on her feet.. but barely made it in time..Sometimes I think it feels like you gotta go more than you actually have to.. Then there was a time when she fell about in the same place, we had just gotten back from town either getting groceries or going to the doctor or quite possibly both, and I had to go to the bathroom so I get her in the house and head to the bathroom, and in the middle of my business I hear what sounds like glass crashing. It was mom, she had gotten her purse where she wanted it and was trying to reach for something else and miss reached and fell.. She wasn't hurt really at all in most of her falls.. One time out front we were going somewhere in the early evening, likely to watch Ian while Donald had a dj gig, and mom was walking down the ramp there and misstepped and fell.. It was by the tower and a close call.. I had my camera cases and wasn't able to grab for her.. I would stop carrying anything in my hands from that point on.. I would stop going into the bathroom if mom wasn't settled in the kitchen putting groceries away.. I would alter the way I did things to make sure mom was set.. I would go on afternoon walks when I was trying to lose weight only when she was settled in on the couch, I tried to not have as many chances of her being up and walking when I was away from the house for very long and I kept my phone with me at all times just in case..
Another time last year I think, I was outside mowing the grass and was just going along fairly well and suddenly I heard the back door slamming.. I thought initially it was the cat slamming it because she did, but this was too many times in succession... Mom had fallen somewhere and made it to the door to signal me.. I found her there but wasn't hurt at all..
There were times when mom would fall onto a nice soft surface, such as the couch.. The car seat, I would help her up, she would be standing there but then fall backwards into the seat.. I initially thought she was kidding around.. She wasn't.. So from that point on I made sure I had her Supported next to the car before letting her go.. What bothers me the most however is the times in the last few weeks the she would fall on the couch.. I didn't like that.. Her neck was messed up after the botox injections to help stop a tremor she had had for a while, the doctor (Kakar as it turns out) injected in late June of this year setting mom up to have nothing short of the most miserable summer she has ever had.. And she would flop herself down on the couch or the chair or the car seat.. It seamed she was having more intense flopping down when she would do this.. Seems like an indicator of things to come.. I kept thinking I really don't like her flopping down like this, what happens if she just drops like this without a soft landing.. That might have been what happened that Friday Morning when she fell and broke her hip.. But as they have been trying to explain to me that she likely broke her hip and then she fell.. I remember her that Sunday after her surgery that this was going to take her forever to recover from.. I told her you just go at it one day at a time.. minute by minute as the song goes ..
Five years ago she got her diving license renewed.. Don't ask me why she did that.. Her driving wasn't horrible ever but as her ability to walk without assistance went away so did her ability to drive.. And it wasn't just her balance that would have kept her from driving.. Her vision started to deteriorate, not that she was going blind, actually her vision was great.. It was the fact that she could see double all the time and told me about that..She hated to come home in the dark and was really thankful that Donald would leave his guys at the house here instead.. I really would rather not drive at night but if I am well rested I can do fine, but late nights after watching the guys left me haggard.. I drove extremely slow but didn't mind the drive.. What I hated the most was getting mom up the ramp and in the house and she didn't like that much either.. Thankfully the last few years were not driven any more.. I was happy and so was mom... Anyway when we would be coming down the road she would explain what she was seeing as traffic approached, it was at least two cars headlights.. and if they were very bright she would be blinded, have to turn away from the oncoming traffic until it was passed.. Then there was the trains with their three headlight pattern and coupled that with the oncoming traffic and you've got a hell of a light show going on there.. It really was nice to not have to do that anymore.. She went to the eye doctor in Scotts bluff a last October or late September and he did the tests to see how her vision was doing.. Why she was there?? well her regular doctor suggested that after a few years she sould go just to make sure everything was just fine.. and so she did, and when he did her vision test her vision was 20/20.. Perfect.. So why was she seeing double then?? well her eyes weren't working together anymore.. When everything is right with your eyes you see one of everything. and in moms case they were working like separate entities, one eye but two separate vision patterns.. He told her if she got tired of this vision pattern to go see an eye doctor in Sidney and he would get her a pair of glasses to stop this.. We were going through the process of trying something like a black something to cover one eye and try to get that to fix itself when her stomach flared up on that fateful Wednesday... I think she was going to see the eye doctor in Sidney by the end of September.. Not sure.. Anyway..
I know there are those who think so I am alone now, it wasn't much different with mom here, but it was.. Mom was here.. I could talk to her, we wouldn't have the deepest conversations but.. It was nice.. Now I talk to the walls.. think about things.. Before she passed away I was thinking about trying YouTube Tv, the streaming service like PS Vue but different and was getting ready to watch the first weekend and then talk to her about trialing YouTube tv and why.. Mostly I think we would have trialed it but then not gotten it.. One reason was on PS Vue the channel she watched, in fact she watched only one channel on the system because it started at that channel, CBS.. And that was fine but I kept wanting to ask her was there anything else she wanted to watch.. In the hospital she was watching other channels and I thought well if she wanted to try another service of any kind we could have.. My biggest problem is we only watch a very small handful of channels.. Anyone at any time only watches maybe ten channels.. When I had dish it was great having all those channels but they were just there.. Most of them were fringe channels.. I couldn't see watching most of them.. When I changed to cable tv I felt like such a huge step in the wrong direction but then I started to notice how little tv I watched and it didn't matter.. I was glad we had our cable tv service say they were shutting down.. And when I told mom she thought we would have dish again.. I wanted to try something else and so mom relented.. I think at one point she told me she was happy with what we had,, I hope so but I never felt like mom was comfortable watching what we had..
There were a lot of times mom seemed disappointed with the situation, she wished we had more money and for that I feel like I was to blame and yes there were times when I felt like I could have gone off and worked, but it really scared me to leave mom for any amount of time.. she didn't fall daily or really every week, it was that off chance that if she fell while I was away could she signal someone to come help her.. We only have had these new phones for ten months now when she used it for an emergency.. I wasn't sure she could in fact dial anyone, let alone 911 and as it turns out she wasn't sure she knew how, since she called my older brother..
So many times I would catch her rolling her eyes at me or seemed to have tears in her eyes when I was talking to her about things.. I knew she wanted to have me do things, and talk about the end and really I should have talked to her.. Like when she said she wanted to be cremated, that I got loud and clear because I agreed and even told her I wanted that as well or a hobo funeral just toss me out the car going down the pike somewhere.. Let the state worry about it.. There are things I wished I would have talked to her about.. Such as if I can't afford to keep the house should we sell it.. I can't imagine it being anyone else being in there but.. You know it happens.. Wises house across the street is no longer wises.. Anderson's house is no longer Anderson's .. Eventually this house will be someone else's house, and it might happen sooner than you think.. I had thought about this very subject for well over the past two years or so.. How much money would it cost for me to stay here.. I have to figure that out, It's one of the things mom should have grabbed me by the collar and sat me down about.. mom was worried about the money situation, and really kept bringing it up and I guess I never thought it was that serious, that eventually we would get in a situation where she would use the government assistance that she never used, like paying for utilities or gas.. We never even thought of doing that.. She used that meals on wheels and had me on there for a few weeks.. They caught up with that and promptly booted me off.. But now it will be me only.. and while that might seem attractive it really isn't.. I feel isolated even though by brothers are just a phone call away.. I still feel very much alone.. I guess you get what you deserve..
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