from the start to now
Last Wednesday(15th of August) was a day as normal as any, I woke up and watched the news channels before coming down.. One difference was the smell of French toast not wafting upstairs, that was odd but not completely off course, sometimes mom sleeps in.. This day mom hadn't slept in.. She says she had tried through the night to wake me up, trying to make enough noise to wake me up.. Strangely enough I usually hear her thumping around downstairs here and wakes me up.. If she drops her remote it usually enough to wake me up and have me check on her.. But she was trying to rattle enough noise to wake me up.. She must have picked the wrong times because I was awake during the night just not when she was trying to rattle me.. apparently.. And when I came down that morning she said she needed to go to the hospital... NOW!!.. I got right on that, and we were out the door five minutes later.. Her back was bothering her, her stomach as well, but it was her back pain was overwhelming her.. Got her to the ER and they got her in.. Checked for the symptoms were for a kidney stone, could have been gall bladder as well... After getting her hooked up for iv she was taken into the radiology (ex-rays and MRI or catscan they can do it all there now (YIPPEE)) anyway the verdict was in, she had a twist in her upper large intestine, in the colon area, it was swelling up, and was at 9.9 cm of 10cm 10 being where more often than not the colon bursts and then the real fun would begin.. so the surgeon comes and talks to us and it is dire, need to have surgery that day.. so he has other procedures he has to do but shifts things around to be able to get to this that afternoon (early evening).. They wheel her into the OR at just after four and tell us it might be an hour to an hour and a half.. We figure five thirty maybe even six.. This surgeon starts whipping out numbers, percentages of what if this dose this and that and the guy is right johnny on the spot with his numbers, and it did sort of freak me out a bit.. Initially I was texting Freda about the situation and as things went along, initially I like to wait before even starting to inform anyone of the situation.. Early on I would have said mom is in the ER hold for update.. And that could be an hour or two later and in the meantime everyone would be thinking well give an update.. This way we were well into finding things out.. In fact I had just told Freda about this that there was the guy from the ER had gotten the results of the catscan or mri (whichever it was) and he told us the surgeon would be in to give us the word on what was going to be what.. I at that point told Freda what was going on.. Had some troubles getting her on the phone then checked Bob to see if she was alright (they are moving and I had visions of her passed out from exhaustion... it's warm out.. ) But she answered after Bob said he thought she was alright.. So I tell her.. I wasn't sure Bob's situation at work, so she relays to him what I am sending to her.. My phone is the type where you have to type out a whole word to get to the thought, where iphones guess what you are trying to say and you can get it before you get through every letter.. Anyway Freda asks do they need to come down, and I ask mom, she says no.. It seems like sort of like the appendix type of procedure and shouldn't be that big of a deal.. Well the surgeon comes in shortly after that and tells us how things should go but there is always the bad that can happen and ravels off these numbers of percentages (johnny on the spot with numbers as it were) and after he leaves I am always more stunned than anything "Do you have any questions?" and I'm there thinking "about what" I mean you just raveled off all these numbers of good bad and ugly and I am supposed to think of a question for this.. I mean... I could babble about something.. Questions about the procedure??? um... no.. So he leaves and I send a text to Freda to have whoever is wanting to come down to get down there NOW.. Some of the numbers scared me.. and enough of things were there scared me so better to have everyone there.. So Bob gets down here, Donald gets down here (from the NRD) and we hang in her room and wait for her return.. The Surgeon comes into the room and tells everything seemed to go well, showing us that the Colon usually looks like two fingers but in this case looked like two fists .. Everything seemed to go well.. Mom gets to the room around six and is out of it..
Thursday I decide to see her but head up to Scotts Bluff to help move some totes for Freda and Bob because geee she only helped clean the basement a bit in June.. So got that done, headed back, saw mom again when I got back to town, she was still out of it, no surprise she doesn't do well on pain meds, Opiates are out of the question, they wipe her completely out, and they gave her the lightest they could..
So the next day they decide to do a bloc on her as well as put in a pic line.. I wasn't sure on the pic line but the bloc I was all for, anything to numb that part of her abdomen.. this was Friday.. This was also when I wasn't sure, my confidence was shaken by a few things.. One thing I kind of hate is having the ability to hear as well as I do.. I can hear conversations in the outer part of the room there, by the nurses station.. It's quiet enough that I can hear what they are saying and pretty much can tell with what is going on in the room as to what they are saying pertains to mom.. So when they talked about hooking up the heart monitor I knew it was for her.. What blew me away was they were moving her to check something and a question they asked not sure if it was meant for me to answer or not was does she have a pace maker.. WTF is that about?? Her heart is giving her troubles now?? I instantly chimed in NO no pacemaker .. Can't they tell if a person has a pacemaker?? Isn't there a pocket there where a pacemaker is under the skin?? seriously that to me was one of the things that made me start to lose confidence in this hospital.. Well that and their most major fuck up of all burning moms inner ear out.. but that was a different time, this is a completely different staff.. Or is it... anyway I always feel like this hospital is the best they can get to help you die, and really I was hoping I was wrong, but it doesn't take much to shake my confidence in this hospital knowing what I know about the old one.. When I left Friday I wasn't sure about anything.. I was hoping my little brother would be by with his son and see mom, and figured he would see her and get an idea how things were going.. He worked at a nursing home for a few years and I thought he would be able to tell me how he thought things were going..
Saturday... : I got on the computer and asked Donald how he thought things were from seeing mom the night before.. He hadn't gone to see her, I try to take a step back and I realize this is going to be a long haul.. So I went to see mom Sunday and she had been moved to a different room.. They were giving her a blood transfusion and also magnesium to help things out.. I thought she looked better, and was more up thankfully, however she was still not sure of much.. A few things.. She can't have solid food for a while yet, really can't have much of anything, not even water.. Friday she was sitting in her chair and after a while wanted to move back to her bed.. She asked the nurse if she could go to the bed and she said in a little bit.. Well a little bit came and went and she was wanting to go to the bed, asked me to move her to the bed.. I said no, if they want her to move they will help her, I thought if I did anything wrong while moving her there could be a lot of trouble.. so a little bit more time passes and she starts to get to wanting to move so she has me put her leg rest down and start putting the blankets over on the bed, I could see her moving to get in position to get up and move And I tell her let me go get the nurse.. Well the nurse comes and tells her they want her to remain sitting up to try to make sure she doesn't get pneumonia so stay upright for another hour.. I thought good, tell her now, after she put me through hell.. I know what she was trying to do..
Yesterday (Saturday) she can't have anything solid yet, not even water.. And she is asking me to go get a pepsi, get some fries.. a Runza would be great too.. Yes but you can't have that.. Mom is in and out of lucidity, she can seem like she is right there.. And then be not so much.. She looks at the clock and sees it is 1:30.. Is this this morning?? well what time is it then?? I tell her it is one thirty in the afternoon, she doesn't think to look out he window and see the sun light even in her chair she should be able to see the sunlight.. She is in a room facing south now, and even in the room she was in before she was facing east... I feel more confidence in the situation Saturday than I did Friday, there was another reason for this, Friday after they got back from getting that bloc and pic line set they had forgotten to hook up her iv.. wasn't a long time maybe ten minutes, maybe fifteen.. All I could think was I know it's Friday but can you act like it's any other day of the week.. Pull your heads out of your ass..
Mom was having troubles with her tv in both rooms.. She no longer needs to change the channel on her tv at home, in fact changing the channel on the tv is a no no.. Instead we set it to input number whatever it is and change the channels using the roku and changing from one app (channel) to another depending on what you are wanting to see.. In fact the way you change channels on the playstation vue is pretty much the same as the whole of the roku.. PS Vue is where we get our cable tv from streaming via the roku..You leave the channel you are viewing, go to the guide and find another channel and then click on it.. It's the new way to view cable tv.. I think I might take the roku down and see if I can hook it up there.. What I am the most afraid of is if she is in the hospital for any extended period of time that she might completely forget how to work her tv system at home and have to either relearn how to use it, or insist on getting cable tv, which can't be done here anymore.. Or trying a dish, which is almost the same as cable but is more like the roku way of watching tv.. I might talk to her today about it, might even take it down there, I have almost everything on her smart phone that She has on her Roku so that might seem redundant to even bother with but the tv screen is larger and the other day I left her iphone with her to mess with and she dropped it on the floor (those things are tough).. Didn't harm it but she couldn't reach it and didn't think to ask a nurse to get it for her..
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Sunday was slightly better than Saturday.. She seemed confused a bit but was alright.. She was able to have jello and soup, mostly water which was good.. She had made the comment that it might be a month in the hospital and I had heard that as well but ...
Monday happened and what a difference a day makes.. When I went in her room she made the comment that she might get to go home tomorrow... Tuesday except the thing is she thought that Monday was Tuesday so I thought she might be confusing Tuesday with Wednesday or not... I thought well we will see then... Tuesday morning I was doing my regular shit here and the phone rings and I figure it might be someone else and it turns out to be mom... She's getting out today maybe by ten maybe by.. well you know how a hospital goes, if they say ten it might be two.. But she got out after noon and we got home by one... story over..
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About a week before this all happened I had a dream.. A dreaded dream, one of those dreaded dreams that I had like before.. I had dreaded dreams from before, what they represented, when mom had her operation for her sinus I dreamed of a storm, a nasty storm but not as bad.. I was in a feeling of denial or something.. Then ... two weeks ago, the week before this all started I dreamed of someone falling backwards.. I thought it was Freda.. She had been working hard on her and Bobs move and must have gotten hurt.. I wanted to tell her to be careful but then I thought this dream means nothing.. I then had a dream of the big tree in the front yard falling.. What does this represent??? I know the tree is in trouble and might be about to die, one of the branches has an enormous crack in it and every time the wind blew this past winter I saw that branch going down.. It never did.. Could that be what this dream is about..
Usually when i mention these dreams they don't come true, and this is not the case here.. So after mom gets home from her intestinal surgery on Tuesday everything seems fine, the rest of the day she is out of it, figuring the walk from the car into the house was enough exercise I just let her lay on the couch the rest of the day.. Wednesday was a nice cool day, mom gets up, insists on taking a shower and does with seemingly little trouble.. I had been saying how tough she was and I had seen her toughness through everything.. She stunned me how tough she was but when she no longer had balance is when she showed how tough she really was.. Not having balance is hard to do anything. Around 8:30 that morning the hospital calls or rather the home hospice calls and wants to set up to see mom that day, likely the afternoon, mom tells them no, she doesn't need them.. Why she did this I had no idea.. actually I do know why, she thinks they will come in and see the house is a mess. (it sort of is, we are in the process of moving stuff around and also the ceiling paper was coming down, I had been meaning to get that up but had no idea how to do it.. While mom was in the hospital the second time I would fix that, something she would never see be done... I told her that these people don't care what the house looks like, they are there for you.. I still to this day think that had they come to see her that maybe she would not have gotten up and... well I'm ahead of myself here..
Mom starts to have troubles on Thursday, she starts getting heartburn right quick.. I thought yeah but she knows how to take care of that.. she was supposed to see doctor Kakar that day about her neck but decided to cancel, she just is not feeling very good.. Likely she isn't drinking water at the pace she is supposed to.. Can I tell how much she has been drinking?? no, I think she should be monitoring how much she is drinking but none the less.. Thursday turns into Thursday night.. I decided to play a few songs on the old sound system, I'm feeling like she should be good for about an hour of dislocation from me being there.. I come down for bed at ten or slightly later, the lights are out in the front room and I don't hear anything so I think she is asleep.. I go up stairs and while sleep doesn't come very quickly it seems to come soundly for me anymore, as with the week before with her trying to wake me up through the night, this would see me sleep so soundly.. I figure I fell asleep about ten thirty.. maybe even eleven.. In the mean time mom gets up, has heartburn pretty bad and goes to the bathroom to get something to calm that beast down.. This is at eleven thirty or so she says this is what time it was.. It might have been later a bit, who knows.. She gets to the bathroom turns on the light and losses her balance, falling backwards she hits the floor hard snapping her hip, hitting her elbow and her head.... I figure she let out a scream and then another but the successive screams each lose intensity as her voice goes.. Why did she lose her voice... Heartburn can affect the voice cords.. She then tried to get me awake by thumping the floor somehow.. Then she tried to get the cell phone, it was on the counter, how she got it I am not sure.. Mom is tough.. She might very well have pulled herself up enough to get the phone pulled down.. She then called Bob, not me.. Now I don't fault her for this however I do wish I would have shown her where my number was, and had her dial it several times so she knew where it was and how to dial it,,There were several mistakes that feel were my fault this being a giant glaring one.. Had she dialed me it would have woke me up.. No doubt in my mind it would have woke me up.. Bob hung up from talking to mom and couldn't dial 911, he was in Scotts Bluff, that likely would be a mistake or be hard to explain why he was calling 911 instead of someone in the house... so he calls Donald, Donald calls 911, Bob then calls me and I wake up instantly, took a look at the phone, what the hell who is calling me at one thirty??? I thought I gotta go downstairs it must be mom, I guess that's what I thought.. Actually I went from not being awake to being awake but it hadn't sunk in yet, the name said Bob something on the caller ID .. Why was Bob calling me... I answer and really took a few seconds to get the cobwebs cleared.. Pretty much the entire day would be that way.. So he tells me mom was in the bathroom and had fallen and that Donald had called the Ambulance and .... Wait what?? All this made no sense and I was standing there with nothing making sense trying to figure out why Bob was on the phone.. This was the first time he had ever called this phone, I wasn't even sure what the call ringer sounded like, would it be loud enough to bring me out of a coma.. I must sleep nearly at dead level anymore.. Mom had tried two weeks earlier to get me to wake up and couldn't, then Friday morning couldn't get me awake.... Why do I sleep so soundly now?? So I am thinking what should I do?? I put the phone down, grabbed my pants, got them on got my shirt on, ran down to the bathroom where mom was moaning in pain.. She explained what had happened and all I could think to say was sorry I couldn't wake up.. I knew I couldn't move her or there would be a lot of pain but I wanted to get her somewhere else.. The ambulance seemed like it would take forever... As I was getting my clothes on I heard the scanner tone for the ambulance call.. There really is nothing as unnerving as hearing an ambulance call for your own house come across the radio like that.. .. And this was the second time I would hear this the first being for my dad.. This was hard to take.. As I'm in the bathroom I have absolutely nothing I can do, moving mom was a gigantic mistake.. I keep thinking now after enough time has passed that had mom gotten ahold of me in some way what I would have done.. In all her falls before I assessed how she was feeling, was she hurt, or how bad was she hurt.. Every other time she wasn't that bad off.. This time was different.. This time was a major hurt, and she was moaning in pain.. She wasn't very audible as she talked to me.. I'm not sure I heard her talking to me, she was saying something about trying to call me but my number wasn't on the phone.. My biggest mistake, or another one was not getting the phone out and having her find my name on the caller list and getting it called.. I thought I would wait a few days until she started feeling better.. I guess hindsight being what it is I should have gotten that going that Tuesday after getting mom home.. But had she called me I likely would have called the ambulance after trying to get her moved a little.. I might have tried to get her somewhere else but when I saw her I knew moving her was not a good idea..
Mom lets out another moan and I am thinking is the ambulance coming, where are they.. After another moan I decide I have had enough of doing nothing, and call 911 and the guy answers and I ask where the hell is the ambulance, stop for a quick donut somewhere?? no that's the police.. I thought of getting mom something for the pain but a tylenol is just not going to touch this any time soon.. Me knowing when my back hurts nothing touches it from the over the counter variety pain relievers.. I know asking if she wants something would have just been a gesture of some sort, comedy more than anything.. Finally the sheriff deputy shows up and a few minutes later the ambulance.. They get there and assess the situation.. No there was no blood, how there wasn't any I have no idea.. They bring in the stretcher thing and get her loaded.. When they picked her up any doubts about how injured she was was gone.. She let out a scream and really I was surprised it wasn't louder but then as I decided her voice is compromised by her heartburn.. She later said she was thumping the floor with something.. I looked after getting back home and saw only her shoes there that she could have used.. They might have made some sound but knowing how much pain she was in I doubt that she could make very much noise at all.. How she got that phone down to use I have no idea.. Maybe she will tell me later... As they wheeled her to the ambulance I was grabbing my phone, and hers.. Hers is an iphone which helps pass the time in waiting situations.. But before I leave I do a quick experiment.. I wanted to see why her phone wouldn't have woke me up.. I took my phone upstairs and left it where it was, went back down and from the bathroom dialed my phone.. I could hear it ringing from the bathroom.. It would have woke me up, did she dial my number ??? the answer to that is no she never did.. She couldn't find it.. She thought it wasn't in her contacts list.. I know she was hurting and likely her thought process was gone, it isn't very good on a good day, you throw in being in that much pain and yes I get why she did what she did.. No problem..
So Friday was a long day, starting at one thirty in the morning, as the ambulance pulled away I got moms phone and my phone and really nothing else.. . I have a little bottle with my prescription in it but figured I would be able to get home in plenty of time to take it in time.. Leaving the house I shut all the lights off except the outdoor light.. Pulling away I watched as the ambulance pulled around the corner opposite the one I would go down.. And I pulled around the corner I parked in front of the post office and waited for the ambulance to pull by all the time thinking I hope I don't beat them down there.. It was close.. They were parking as I pulled on the hospital lot.. Going into the emergency room..
They get the ex-rays and confirms it is a pretty bad break.. The surgeon comes in and shows how he is going to fix things and it looks easy enough.. The guy seemed pretty well a good guy and seemed to really know his shit.. Really kind of cool and goofy at the same time... Just what we need.. I liked him as well did Bob but of course mom didn't..
Through the recovery from the intestinal surgery and now with the hip mom has confused this doctor with Kakar... I have no reason why, the surgeon on the intestinal surgery was Jansen (spelling a guess) and the hip was Siske... I can see the confusion.. I hope mom gets it together soon.. ... Ok.. So Friday the 24th of August was also moms 80th birthday.. Talk about shit on.. I was remembering last year, her birthday Bob and Freda took us out to supper in Chappell.. I remember because mom kept making a big deal about being 79... Well yeah you are 79, and next year you will be 80.. Natural progression.. So she goes into surgery at just after one in the afternoon, but not really surgery, it takes them a long time to set the blocs.. And that was another thing she wasn't sure about, the blocs.. I wouldn't have been sure either, but everyone does this and it seems extremely safe.. I'm not even sure how blocs work but they do it for pretty much every surgery and even did one on moms intestinal during recovery.. The drugs they would normally give (opiates) are fairly habit forming and zonk mom out.. and always has.. So her recovery from the intestinal surgery was long, and again with the hip has been agonizingly so... Saturday was a wash.. Remember yesterday was your birthday.. Stop bringing that up.. That had to be the worst day in her life.. I know how I would have felt if it were me...
Sunday was equally a wash and she seemed to be alright but still out of it.. So that brings us to Monday.. Remember that dream I had about the tree falling, that keeps coming to my mind and today it really was there.. I was doing some work in the living room to try to get the ceiling paper to stay up, I used some adhesive glue and monkey tape (gorilla tape) to hold it up.. That adhesive might have done a number on me, it wasn't ventelated so I was getting numbish.. Not feeling to good... I was watering the back yard, trying to make the grass passable for labor day.. Hoping that it would be the same lame town celebration which isn't lame at all but it's hopefully going to be better than a wake, which scares me more than anything that might be where we are heading.. Today I walk into her room and she is still complaining about being naucious , just feeling generally like shit.. What is causing this?? Is there a cure?? Freda brings a MC Griddle thing from mac D and it sits there in the bag all day.. I brought an apple sauce cup thing hoping she would eat something.. EAT SOMETHING.. she starts to grab the puke bag things.. I get her to a more sitting up position.. My biggest fear is she will puke and asperate and then we will have the grandest problem.. pneumonia .... She sounds like she is working on it now.. When she coughs it is very raspy.. I am talking to Freda via IM on Facebook and we talk about different things.. I tell her she seems very low and down and her voice is very quiet, and low volume.. It seems like nobody is doing anything for her, she can't get a doctor to do anything for her.. I have no idea what she is after.. Her heartburn might finally be subsiding but she has other issues, she is sick to her stomach, doesn't feel good at all and just feels like throwing up.. How do you get her over this?? I thought of the blood transfusion thing from her intestinal surgery.. While that was a screwup if that worked in that case could it work now for this?? and they don't like giving blood product willy nilly but what if I asked if I gave and even if it doesn't match it would be a trade, mine for whatever blood type moms is ... I will check tomorrow.. hope she feels better.. I felt like today she would be showing signs of being better.. There were no signs, in fact she looked and sounded worse.. At the end I decided to leave but as I was going when they were to give her an enema.. Now I have never had one and really hope that never comes my way.. I don't think it is punishment but it might be.. She needs to get movement.. She needs to eat and get movement, she is one more day away from swingbed which may or may not be a good thing.. and if she can get to swingbed then they might get a time table for when she can come home.. It scares me that she might come home to someone who is not even remotely qualified to care for her in yours truely... As with my dad, he was more than I could handle because he simply didn't want to be cared for.. I get it.. I'm not a nurse, thankfully he went to a nursing home for only less than a week.. A miracle cure.. Mom will do swingbed in the hospital, and I view that as good, less stress, nursing homes seem to look like the end, and more than likely would be.. But I'm not sure swing bed in the hospital will be the best option.. I want mom to be where she is the most comfortable.. I hope they will allow her to be in the hospital... If not I fear for her safety.. I think I would try to stay with her in the same room anywhere else...
Monday was a bad day , but she was at least upright.. that would change 24 hours later.. When I left Monday afternoon they were getting ready to give her an enema and I knew that wasn't going to be fun.. Her moaning bothers me and.. Anyway as I am there I watch mom and she seemed like she was giving up... And I thought it was too early to give up.. But her stomach bothered her and was all along her biggest issue.. Monday would be the first night of at least two so far that sleep would elude me...
Tuesday I went down with some hope that mom would be in better shape.. I was met at the hospital parking lot by Donald, and Freda they were in a pow wow.. Jordan was there as well.. This can't be good.. And in fact it wasn't.. Donald had just tried to see mom, she was being given a central line or pic for easier access to get her medicine in just like last week, only this time it really was a step backwards.. She was looking sunken in, her jowls looking .... They had predicted death within hours, maybe even minutes.. Lucy wanted to bring Ian and Ryan in to see mom, the doctor advised against it..She seemed adamant about it and really I could see her point but sometimes you have to think of the greater good here.. Mom might not even recognize them. And even if she does, they might not recognize her... A catch 22 type of thing... She relinquished and didn't insist... Tuesday was a crappy day all around, as I was in her room stunned at what I saw.. How could mom have gone from at least looking alright the day before to being on deaths door step?? The day moves forward, as I left that morning I didn't think that I would need my prescriptions at all, or that I would likely be home by Skootr feeding time (what time isn't Skootr feeding time) so as the day turns to evening and the sun starts to go down I feel my heart feeling like it is starting to pound through my chest.. I think of the prescription emergency bottle in my camera case that for the first time in years I forgot to bring with me.. Left it on the washer, or so I thought, hell maybe it is in the backseat of the car.. I thought of it as I was coming down about the midway point that I forgot it.. So I left the room, feeling horrible I went to the car and hoped beyond hope that it would be there.. It wasn't of course and so I get my phone out and call Bob and tell him I gotta go down and get these taken.. When I got home I checked my BP and yeah it was higher than it had been in a while, 165 over whatever.. Just a bit high..
Getting back to the hospital I was sure things would be worse, remember mom was at deaths doorstop, and she was fine, still raspy breathing.. They would do something that would change that and as we got back into her room her breathing sounded easier.. She was better in that regard however she was still... Oh look, her eyes were closed, she was in fact asleep.. resting peacefully.. We picked out our sleeping positions for the night.. I would be at the head of a crappy bench couch thing, Donald would be on the longer bench couch thing and Bob would be on what looked like a nice recliner chair.. Don't get me wrong, I didn't envy any of them and they shouldn't envy my sleeping arrangements, they all sucked, I know, that chair I tried to sit in and it was nearly as uncomfortable.. Mom would sleep well though the night, And even the nurses were shocked that she lived through the night.. I wasn't, in fact there was a time that I thought she was pulling through, we would all wake up the next morning and she would be alright, be a little better and might have a better prognosis.. Why am I such an optimist?? Even everyone had said it was a matter of time, not if, but really when.. I knew this but kept a little glimmer of hope that they might be wrong.. This is what Hollywood movies do, the star doesn't die..
Wednesday.. after a night in the hospital room was very hard to take.. Her breathing was rough in the early evening but they situated her and we walked into her room with mom very much asleep.. Eyes closed and everything.. I would listen for her sleeping through the night sleeping myself Just a little while between the sleeping arrangements not being ideal, a light cramp early on.. relaxed enough to sleep and rest a little.. All three of us guys were there, so you know it could possibly gotten stinky, but there was a set of flowers taking care of that.. Wednesday morning saw us waking up early, around five And moms breathing was strong. I was so proud of the way she sounded.. I thought maybe this was not the end of her life.. Maybe she could pull it out.. I was so hoping for the best but knew full well that just as with dad, there wasn't much hope.. It's hard to watch someone die.. No ifs ands or butts.. I nearly saw dad die and when that happened I thought at least I still had mom.. Well now this was going to change.. I had always thought that mom would passaway.. Just not this way.. Wednesday started alright.. The night before I had forgotten my prescription, I mean I had it in my camera bag but forgot the camera bag for the first time in ... forever.. So I thought so what.. I would be back by three, and remember telling Skootr that before leaving that day... When I saw how rough a shape mom was in I didn't know if I would be going home on time or early or at all.. And so I played it by ear.. And when 6 came I felt my chest pounding.. I had to go get my prescription and called from the car to tell Bob I was going after them.. It would take a few minutes to get home , I took the prescription As set in the camera bag and fed the kitty.. then left likely making Skootr wonder what she had done to deserve being left alone all night.. I left the prescriptions at home not even thinking that had this turned the way I wanted it that mom would be in long form recovery.. Maybe by the end of the year.. Ever the optimist I remember feeling the same way about dad.. Mom was a fighter.. She was tough and I mean in her own way she was just down right tougher than anyone I knew.. They would give mom a bath this afternoon, I remember saying I guess that's a good idea...I don't know.. And as they are wrapping up they come out and tell us her breathing has really changed and for us to get in there quickly.. She was no longer as labored, but there was more breathing through phlem mucous and all that fun.. they would suck it out and make her breathing easier.. But the word was sent for anyone to come quickly.. Jordan would come quickly.. As well whoever wasn't there... Within the next hour mom would turn for the final time .. Watching her as I was playing one last find a word game.. And as I was going after one of the words I watched as her breathing was very shallow.. We all surrounded the bed.. Mom would pass away shortly there after.. August 29, 2018 at about three in the afternoon...
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August 12 is when it all started.. Mom was on the phone with her brother and talking about something.. I had walked by and really I just leave them to talk, I don't like to join the conversation.. This day was just like every other time.. I get to the front room and get on the computer and suddenly mom yells and needs me to come help her with something.. She needs help with the phone wants to know how to do texting.. I try to get positioned to show, I get the phone and am holding it higher but wasn't set with it yet and she says you have it too high, so I sit down on the floor to rest it where I thought she would see it better that way.. she then falls apart and starts to cry and says you have no patience for me doing this.. I tell her the phone isn't even mine and that I would have to figure it out along with her, but she was too upset to work with and said again you don't have the patience to do this or anything, I don't know what she said for sure I was pissed and decided to leave was the better idea so I went out and walked around the town thinking about what she had said and really was just mad as hell at the situation.. things were about to get serious soon and I had this going on in my head all the time.. For the past year I knew I was going to have to leave her and get work.. I was going broke.. But I never wanted to leave her and as much as I kept thinking of this I kept thinking If I left back in January, was working then when she had that mild stroke that I wasn't sure if I would have been home, I was looking to get work at night, Had I left by four she might have had that happen and came home to a completely different situation..but I was glad things worked this way.. As I kept watching my bank statement go down I kept thinking how was I supposed to feel like going out to work and having someone else come and watch mom, I really didn't think that would work out very well.. So I thought if it comes to it I would talk mom into just renting me as it were.. Paying for my bills.. as i got home from my walk I had stopped being pissed at mom and I was pissed at myself, I could do that, talk myself into being pissed off at myself.. It was her phone, I used her phone so sparingly to text that I had no serious clue how to use it for that.. I mean I thought I did.. And trying to set it where she could see it.. Mom was very unpatient with me.. I have always said I was the dumb one and and everyone needs to understand that.. There would be no attempt at doing another text, mom would eventually get too sick to do anything like that ever again..
So I started this during the intestinal part of the"saga" and it was about that Saturday.. When they took her to get that bloc and pic.. I wasn't sure how things were going to go because one of the guys Doing the moving of mom to the procedure room, and while he was moving they had to get something and while waiting he showed the assistant videos of his kids and I didn't really care but hoped they could change gears into giving a shit about mom.. So here is the way things went down on the week after her Intestinal surgery.. Mom felt horrible until Sunday, and she got a blood transfusion, which was explained away as something that could happen after the surgery sometime.. There was also a possibility that the surgery might not take some time in about the five day mark, and so with the surgery being done on Wednesday evening you do the math and figure by Monday maybe even Tuesday she was out of the woods.. I took her home on Tuesday afternoon feeling fantastic, really looking great too.. I kinda wished I had gotten pictures of her that day or Wednesday to compare to a week later.. So here is what happened, Tuesday I needed to mow, and so I did, Mom was fine, she laid on the couch the rest of the day.. I mowed Tuesday, Wednesday she was feeling even better, took a shower and when she got done I did more yard work, have to get ready for Olde Settlers day in another week or so.. Wednesday you really couldn't tell she had anything done toe her intestine as she acted the same as any other day.. That home hospice thing she should have let them do that and in fact they should have insisted on coming and just running whatever test, listen to her stomach or feel her abdomen.. There really is a good chance they might have felt something Wednesday or Thursday as well, in fact they took picture on that following Monday and Jansen would see that the surgery had come undone..
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EPILOGUE: When I took mom down on the 15th of August I really had no clue how things might go, after her surgery she was wiped for three days and that was par for the course, her sinus surgery was the same recovery situation.. However she seemed to come through that fairly well.. In fact I remembered seeing her walking the hallway a few days later looking like she kicked this things ass.. Moms toughness can never be doubted.. This was different this time.. and I still wonder if one of two things might have seen a different outcome.. Remember when mom had made the comment that they thought she might have to stay in the hospital for up to a month.. had that happened I think she might still have been ok, although there is a part of me that thinks that by that Thursday she had heartburn and what that might have been was her surgery letting loose, they said it might be up to five days but you take into account her age and you might have to add a couple or three days,, I hate to say it,, But I also felt like this hospital had a tendency to release people earlier than they should.. I Googled this surgery and it did in fact say full recovery could take up to a month.. What were the indicators for sending her home?? well she did in fact look homeward bound looking on Tuesday,, Had they kept her through the rest of that week she likely never would have broken her hip... The home hospice thing she passed on, had they done something for her heartburn she might not have gotten up during the night and lost her balance and fallen and broken her hip.. I still think she would have ended up back in the hospital on Friday because she just was feeling so crappy.. But it would have been for that..
From when mom had her surgery on her sinus and got to where she had no balance I pretty much decided to be her walking stick, and help her all the time.. we were close before this and stayed that way although there were times she tried to push me away.. When that happened I just stayed a little away.. because I knew it would just be a matter of time before she would need me to help her.. there was a time when she went back to work even in the balance she was having, or lack therein.. I felt guilty not going back to work but then she would justify my not going.. She would fall any number of times through the years and every time she would say out loud looks like I 'm headed for a nursing home, and every time I told her no you're not.. You know that sudden death syndrom that happens to people?? Infants but also older people have it to.. Freda's mother died in her sleep almost a year ago.. Another guy here in town (just a few houses down) died in his sleep as well.. Mom was hoping for that, and there were a few times I thought she had died in her sleep, she would get up really late in the morning, around nine which for her was really late.. I was more than a little afraid to go into the front room and find her dead.. scared the hell out of me.. But thinking about how she did pass away, I think I would have rather had that.. Truth be told I didn't like watching my mom die.. I would have rather been anywhere else, but then.. I was wanting to be there.. I wish she would have looked different.. she really changed in the way she looked over the last 48 hours of her life... really a lot more different.. more than a little scary looking but.. That's death.. death is not pretty..
On labor day I looked up Cremation, the way mom wanted to have her remains processed. and it is nasty, really I mean to me it is kind of a nasty procedure but.. So is being put in the ground and letting nature take its course.. There is no good way to do that.. I have decided cremation is the way I want to go.. To me you see them go through the process of how they will do this and that for your burial and I just don't get it.. We talked about this after my dad died and then again after Tabitha had died.. it just makes more sense to both of us... My older brother was prepared to fight to not have her be cremated but in the end didn't bother.. It was her wishes, and I would have fought for her wishes.. Not sure my little brother cared one way or the other..
We went to the mortuary and got the ball rolling in her funeral.. there really isn't much to say at that time.. I felt lost ... I mean you go to the hospital every day for two plus weeks and then suddenly it is done.. I felt the same way when dad died.. I liked going and at least seeing him.. We didn't go every day like with mom.. But we went fairly regular.. there were a few snow and other weather related issue dates that prevented us from going to Fort Collins..
Thursday I decide to see her but head up to Scotts Bluff to help move some totes for Freda and Bob because geee she only helped clean the basement a bit in June.. So got that done, headed back, saw mom again when I got back to town, she was still out of it, no surprise she doesn't do well on pain meds, Opiates are out of the question, they wipe her completely out, and they gave her the lightest they could..
So the next day they decide to do a bloc on her as well as put in a pic line.. I wasn't sure on the pic line but the bloc I was all for, anything to numb that part of her abdomen.. this was Friday.. This was also when I wasn't sure, my confidence was shaken by a few things.. One thing I kind of hate is having the ability to hear as well as I do.. I can hear conversations in the outer part of the room there, by the nurses station.. It's quiet enough that I can hear what they are saying and pretty much can tell with what is going on in the room as to what they are saying pertains to mom.. So when they talked about hooking up the heart monitor I knew it was for her.. What blew me away was they were moving her to check something and a question they asked not sure if it was meant for me to answer or not was does she have a pace maker.. WTF is that about?? Her heart is giving her troubles now?? I instantly chimed in NO no pacemaker .. Can't they tell if a person has a pacemaker?? Isn't there a pocket there where a pacemaker is under the skin?? seriously that to me was one of the things that made me start to lose confidence in this hospital.. Well that and their most major fuck up of all burning moms inner ear out.. but that was a different time, this is a completely different staff.. Or is it... anyway I always feel like this hospital is the best they can get to help you die, and really I was hoping I was wrong, but it doesn't take much to shake my confidence in this hospital knowing what I know about the old one.. When I left Friday I wasn't sure about anything.. I was hoping my little brother would be by with his son and see mom, and figured he would see her and get an idea how things were going.. He worked at a nursing home for a few years and I thought he would be able to tell me how he thought things were going..
Saturday... : I got on the computer and asked Donald how he thought things were from seeing mom the night before.. He hadn't gone to see her, I try to take a step back and I realize this is going to be a long haul.. So I went to see mom Sunday and she had been moved to a different room.. They were giving her a blood transfusion and also magnesium to help things out.. I thought she looked better, and was more up thankfully, however she was still not sure of much.. A few things.. She can't have solid food for a while yet, really can't have much of anything, not even water.. Friday she was sitting in her chair and after a while wanted to move back to her bed.. She asked the nurse if she could go to the bed and she said in a little bit.. Well a little bit came and went and she was wanting to go to the bed, asked me to move her to the bed.. I said no, if they want her to move they will help her, I thought if I did anything wrong while moving her there could be a lot of trouble.. so a little bit more time passes and she starts to get to wanting to move so she has me put her leg rest down and start putting the blankets over on the bed, I could see her moving to get in position to get up and move And I tell her let me go get the nurse.. Well the nurse comes and tells her they want her to remain sitting up to try to make sure she doesn't get pneumonia so stay upright for another hour.. I thought good, tell her now, after she put me through hell.. I know what she was trying to do..
Yesterday (Saturday) she can't have anything solid yet, not even water.. And she is asking me to go get a pepsi, get some fries.. a Runza would be great too.. Yes but you can't have that.. Mom is in and out of lucidity, she can seem like she is right there.. And then be not so much.. She looks at the clock and sees it is 1:30.. Is this this morning?? well what time is it then?? I tell her it is one thirty in the afternoon, she doesn't think to look out he window and see the sun light even in her chair she should be able to see the sunlight.. She is in a room facing south now, and even in the room she was in before she was facing east... I feel more confidence in the situation Saturday than I did Friday, there was another reason for this, Friday after they got back from getting that bloc and pic line set they had forgotten to hook up her iv.. wasn't a long time maybe ten minutes, maybe fifteen.. All I could think was I know it's Friday but can you act like it's any other day of the week.. Pull your heads out of your ass..
Mom was having troubles with her tv in both rooms.. She no longer needs to change the channel on her tv at home, in fact changing the channel on the tv is a no no.. Instead we set it to input number whatever it is and change the channels using the roku and changing from one app (channel) to another depending on what you are wanting to see.. In fact the way you change channels on the playstation vue is pretty much the same as the whole of the roku.. PS Vue is where we get our cable tv from streaming via the roku..You leave the channel you are viewing, go to the guide and find another channel and then click on it.. It's the new way to view cable tv.. I think I might take the roku down and see if I can hook it up there.. What I am the most afraid of is if she is in the hospital for any extended period of time that she might completely forget how to work her tv system at home and have to either relearn how to use it, or insist on getting cable tv, which can't be done here anymore.. Or trying a dish, which is almost the same as cable but is more like the roku way of watching tv.. I might talk to her today about it, might even take it down there, I have almost everything on her smart phone that She has on her Roku so that might seem redundant to even bother with but the tv screen is larger and the other day I left her iphone with her to mess with and she dropped it on the floor (those things are tough).. Didn't harm it but she couldn't reach it and didn't think to ask a nurse to get it for her..
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Sunday was slightly better than Saturday.. She seemed confused a bit but was alright.. She was able to have jello and soup, mostly water which was good.. She had made the comment that it might be a month in the hospital and I had heard that as well but ...
Monday happened and what a difference a day makes.. When I went in her room she made the comment that she might get to go home tomorrow... Tuesday except the thing is she thought that Monday was Tuesday so I thought she might be confusing Tuesday with Wednesday or not... I thought well we will see then... Tuesday morning I was doing my regular shit here and the phone rings and I figure it might be someone else and it turns out to be mom... She's getting out today maybe by ten maybe by.. well you know how a hospital goes, if they say ten it might be two.. But she got out after noon and we got home by one... story over..
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About a week before this all happened I had a dream.. A dreaded dream, one of those dreaded dreams that I had like before.. I had dreaded dreams from before, what they represented, when mom had her operation for her sinus I dreamed of a storm, a nasty storm but not as bad.. I was in a feeling of denial or something.. Then ... two weeks ago, the week before this all started I dreamed of someone falling backwards.. I thought it was Freda.. She had been working hard on her and Bobs move and must have gotten hurt.. I wanted to tell her to be careful but then I thought this dream means nothing.. I then had a dream of the big tree in the front yard falling.. What does this represent??? I know the tree is in trouble and might be about to die, one of the branches has an enormous crack in it and every time the wind blew this past winter I saw that branch going down.. It never did.. Could that be what this dream is about..
Usually when i mention these dreams they don't come true, and this is not the case here.. So after mom gets home from her intestinal surgery on Tuesday everything seems fine, the rest of the day she is out of it, figuring the walk from the car into the house was enough exercise I just let her lay on the couch the rest of the day.. Wednesday was a nice cool day, mom gets up, insists on taking a shower and does with seemingly little trouble.. I had been saying how tough she was and I had seen her toughness through everything.. She stunned me how tough she was but when she no longer had balance is when she showed how tough she really was.. Not having balance is hard to do anything. Around 8:30 that morning the hospital calls or rather the home hospice calls and wants to set up to see mom that day, likely the afternoon, mom tells them no, she doesn't need them.. Why she did this I had no idea.. actually I do know why, she thinks they will come in and see the house is a mess. (it sort of is, we are in the process of moving stuff around and also the ceiling paper was coming down, I had been meaning to get that up but had no idea how to do it.. While mom was in the hospital the second time I would fix that, something she would never see be done... I told her that these people don't care what the house looks like, they are there for you.. I still to this day think that had they come to see her that maybe she would not have gotten up and... well I'm ahead of myself here..
Mom starts to have troubles on Thursday, she starts getting heartburn right quick.. I thought yeah but she knows how to take care of that.. she was supposed to see doctor Kakar that day about her neck but decided to cancel, she just is not feeling very good.. Likely she isn't drinking water at the pace she is supposed to.. Can I tell how much she has been drinking?? no, I think she should be monitoring how much she is drinking but none the less.. Thursday turns into Thursday night.. I decided to play a few songs on the old sound system, I'm feeling like she should be good for about an hour of dislocation from me being there.. I come down for bed at ten or slightly later, the lights are out in the front room and I don't hear anything so I think she is asleep.. I go up stairs and while sleep doesn't come very quickly it seems to come soundly for me anymore, as with the week before with her trying to wake me up through the night, this would see me sleep so soundly.. I figure I fell asleep about ten thirty.. maybe even eleven.. In the mean time mom gets up, has heartburn pretty bad and goes to the bathroom to get something to calm that beast down.. This is at eleven thirty or so she says this is what time it was.. It might have been later a bit, who knows.. She gets to the bathroom turns on the light and losses her balance, falling backwards she hits the floor hard snapping her hip, hitting her elbow and her head.... I figure she let out a scream and then another but the successive screams each lose intensity as her voice goes.. Why did she lose her voice... Heartburn can affect the voice cords.. She then tried to get me awake by thumping the floor somehow.. Then she tried to get the cell phone, it was on the counter, how she got it I am not sure.. Mom is tough.. She might very well have pulled herself up enough to get the phone pulled down.. She then called Bob, not me.. Now I don't fault her for this however I do wish I would have shown her where my number was, and had her dial it several times so she knew where it was and how to dial it,,There were several mistakes that feel were my fault this being a giant glaring one.. Had she dialed me it would have woke me up.. No doubt in my mind it would have woke me up.. Bob hung up from talking to mom and couldn't dial 911, he was in Scotts Bluff, that likely would be a mistake or be hard to explain why he was calling 911 instead of someone in the house... so he calls Donald, Donald calls 911, Bob then calls me and I wake up instantly, took a look at the phone, what the hell who is calling me at one thirty??? I thought I gotta go downstairs it must be mom, I guess that's what I thought.. Actually I went from not being awake to being awake but it hadn't sunk in yet, the name said Bob something on the caller ID .. Why was Bob calling me... I answer and really took a few seconds to get the cobwebs cleared.. Pretty much the entire day would be that way.. So he tells me mom was in the bathroom and had fallen and that Donald had called the Ambulance and .... Wait what?? All this made no sense and I was standing there with nothing making sense trying to figure out why Bob was on the phone.. This was the first time he had ever called this phone, I wasn't even sure what the call ringer sounded like, would it be loud enough to bring me out of a coma.. I must sleep nearly at dead level anymore.. Mom had tried two weeks earlier to get me to wake up and couldn't, then Friday morning couldn't get me awake.... Why do I sleep so soundly now?? So I am thinking what should I do?? I put the phone down, grabbed my pants, got them on got my shirt on, ran down to the bathroom where mom was moaning in pain.. She explained what had happened and all I could think to say was sorry I couldn't wake up.. I knew I couldn't move her or there would be a lot of pain but I wanted to get her somewhere else.. The ambulance seemed like it would take forever... As I was getting my clothes on I heard the scanner tone for the ambulance call.. There really is nothing as unnerving as hearing an ambulance call for your own house come across the radio like that.. .. And this was the second time I would hear this the first being for my dad.. This was hard to take.. As I'm in the bathroom I have absolutely nothing I can do, moving mom was a gigantic mistake.. I keep thinking now after enough time has passed that had mom gotten ahold of me in some way what I would have done.. In all her falls before I assessed how she was feeling, was she hurt, or how bad was she hurt.. Every other time she wasn't that bad off.. This time was different.. This time was a major hurt, and she was moaning in pain.. She wasn't very audible as she talked to me.. I'm not sure I heard her talking to me, she was saying something about trying to call me but my number wasn't on the phone.. My biggest mistake, or another one was not getting the phone out and having her find my name on the caller list and getting it called.. I thought I would wait a few days until she started feeling better.. I guess hindsight being what it is I should have gotten that going that Tuesday after getting mom home.. But had she called me I likely would have called the ambulance after trying to get her moved a little.. I might have tried to get her somewhere else but when I saw her I knew moving her was not a good idea..
Mom lets out another moan and I am thinking is the ambulance coming, where are they.. After another moan I decide I have had enough of doing nothing, and call 911 and the guy answers and I ask where the hell is the ambulance, stop for a quick donut somewhere?? no that's the police.. I thought of getting mom something for the pain but a tylenol is just not going to touch this any time soon.. Me knowing when my back hurts nothing touches it from the over the counter variety pain relievers.. I know asking if she wants something would have just been a gesture of some sort, comedy more than anything.. Finally the sheriff deputy shows up and a few minutes later the ambulance.. They get there and assess the situation.. No there was no blood, how there wasn't any I have no idea.. They bring in the stretcher thing and get her loaded.. When they picked her up any doubts about how injured she was was gone.. She let out a scream and really I was surprised it wasn't louder but then as I decided her voice is compromised by her heartburn.. She later said she was thumping the floor with something.. I looked after getting back home and saw only her shoes there that she could have used.. They might have made some sound but knowing how much pain she was in I doubt that she could make very much noise at all.. How she got that phone down to use I have no idea.. Maybe she will tell me later... As they wheeled her to the ambulance I was grabbing my phone, and hers.. Hers is an iphone which helps pass the time in waiting situations.. But before I leave I do a quick experiment.. I wanted to see why her phone wouldn't have woke me up.. I took my phone upstairs and left it where it was, went back down and from the bathroom dialed my phone.. I could hear it ringing from the bathroom.. It would have woke me up, did she dial my number ??? the answer to that is no she never did.. She couldn't find it.. She thought it wasn't in her contacts list.. I know she was hurting and likely her thought process was gone, it isn't very good on a good day, you throw in being in that much pain and yes I get why she did what she did.. No problem..
So Friday was a long day, starting at one thirty in the morning, as the ambulance pulled away I got moms phone and my phone and really nothing else.. . I have a little bottle with my prescription in it but figured I would be able to get home in plenty of time to take it in time.. Leaving the house I shut all the lights off except the outdoor light.. Pulling away I watched as the ambulance pulled around the corner opposite the one I would go down.. And I pulled around the corner I parked in front of the post office and waited for the ambulance to pull by all the time thinking I hope I don't beat them down there.. It was close.. They were parking as I pulled on the hospital lot.. Going into the emergency room..
They get the ex-rays and confirms it is a pretty bad break.. The surgeon comes in and shows how he is going to fix things and it looks easy enough.. The guy seemed pretty well a good guy and seemed to really know his shit.. Really kind of cool and goofy at the same time... Just what we need.. I liked him as well did Bob but of course mom didn't..
Through the recovery from the intestinal surgery and now with the hip mom has confused this doctor with Kakar... I have no reason why, the surgeon on the intestinal surgery was Jansen (spelling a guess) and the hip was Siske... I can see the confusion.. I hope mom gets it together soon.. ... Ok.. So Friday the 24th of August was also moms 80th birthday.. Talk about shit on.. I was remembering last year, her birthday Bob and Freda took us out to supper in Chappell.. I remember because mom kept making a big deal about being 79... Well yeah you are 79, and next year you will be 80.. Natural progression.. So she goes into surgery at just after one in the afternoon, but not really surgery, it takes them a long time to set the blocs.. And that was another thing she wasn't sure about, the blocs.. I wouldn't have been sure either, but everyone does this and it seems extremely safe.. I'm not even sure how blocs work but they do it for pretty much every surgery and even did one on moms intestinal during recovery.. The drugs they would normally give (opiates) are fairly habit forming and zonk mom out.. and always has.. So her recovery from the intestinal surgery was long, and again with the hip has been agonizingly so... Saturday was a wash.. Remember yesterday was your birthday.. Stop bringing that up.. That had to be the worst day in her life.. I know how I would have felt if it were me...
Sunday was equally a wash and she seemed to be alright but still out of it.. So that brings us to Monday.. Remember that dream I had about the tree falling, that keeps coming to my mind and today it really was there.. I was doing some work in the living room to try to get the ceiling paper to stay up, I used some adhesive glue and monkey tape (gorilla tape) to hold it up.. That adhesive might have done a number on me, it wasn't ventelated so I was getting numbish.. Not feeling to good... I was watering the back yard, trying to make the grass passable for labor day.. Hoping that it would be the same lame town celebration which isn't lame at all but it's hopefully going to be better than a wake, which scares me more than anything that might be where we are heading.. Today I walk into her room and she is still complaining about being naucious , just feeling generally like shit.. What is causing this?? Is there a cure?? Freda brings a MC Griddle thing from mac D and it sits there in the bag all day.. I brought an apple sauce cup thing hoping she would eat something.. EAT SOMETHING.. she starts to grab the puke bag things.. I get her to a more sitting up position.. My biggest fear is she will puke and asperate and then we will have the grandest problem.. pneumonia .... She sounds like she is working on it now.. When she coughs it is very raspy.. I am talking to Freda via IM on Facebook and we talk about different things.. I tell her she seems very low and down and her voice is very quiet, and low volume.. It seems like nobody is doing anything for her, she can't get a doctor to do anything for her.. I have no idea what she is after.. Her heartburn might finally be subsiding but she has other issues, she is sick to her stomach, doesn't feel good at all and just feels like throwing up.. How do you get her over this?? I thought of the blood transfusion thing from her intestinal surgery.. While that was a screwup if that worked in that case could it work now for this?? and they don't like giving blood product willy nilly but what if I asked if I gave and even if it doesn't match it would be a trade, mine for whatever blood type moms is ... I will check tomorrow.. hope she feels better.. I felt like today she would be showing signs of being better.. There were no signs, in fact she looked and sounded worse.. At the end I decided to leave but as I was going when they were to give her an enema.. Now I have never had one and really hope that never comes my way.. I don't think it is punishment but it might be.. She needs to get movement.. She needs to eat and get movement, she is one more day away from swingbed which may or may not be a good thing.. and if she can get to swingbed then they might get a time table for when she can come home.. It scares me that she might come home to someone who is not even remotely qualified to care for her in yours truely... As with my dad, he was more than I could handle because he simply didn't want to be cared for.. I get it.. I'm not a nurse, thankfully he went to a nursing home for only less than a week.. A miracle cure.. Mom will do swingbed in the hospital, and I view that as good, less stress, nursing homes seem to look like the end, and more than likely would be.. But I'm not sure swing bed in the hospital will be the best option.. I want mom to be where she is the most comfortable.. I hope they will allow her to be in the hospital... If not I fear for her safety.. I think I would try to stay with her in the same room anywhere else...
Monday was a bad day , but she was at least upright.. that would change 24 hours later.. When I left Monday afternoon they were getting ready to give her an enema and I knew that wasn't going to be fun.. Her moaning bothers me and.. Anyway as I am there I watch mom and she seemed like she was giving up... And I thought it was too early to give up.. But her stomach bothered her and was all along her biggest issue.. Monday would be the first night of at least two so far that sleep would elude me...
Tuesday I went down with some hope that mom would be in better shape.. I was met at the hospital parking lot by Donald, and Freda they were in a pow wow.. Jordan was there as well.. This can't be good.. And in fact it wasn't.. Donald had just tried to see mom, she was being given a central line or pic for easier access to get her medicine in just like last week, only this time it really was a step backwards.. She was looking sunken in, her jowls looking .... They had predicted death within hours, maybe even minutes.. Lucy wanted to bring Ian and Ryan in to see mom, the doctor advised against it..She seemed adamant about it and really I could see her point but sometimes you have to think of the greater good here.. Mom might not even recognize them. And even if she does, they might not recognize her... A catch 22 type of thing... She relinquished and didn't insist... Tuesday was a crappy day all around, as I was in her room stunned at what I saw.. How could mom have gone from at least looking alright the day before to being on deaths door step?? The day moves forward, as I left that morning I didn't think that I would need my prescriptions at all, or that I would likely be home by Skootr feeding time (what time isn't Skootr feeding time) so as the day turns to evening and the sun starts to go down I feel my heart feeling like it is starting to pound through my chest.. I think of the prescription emergency bottle in my camera case that for the first time in years I forgot to bring with me.. Left it on the washer, or so I thought, hell maybe it is in the backseat of the car.. I thought of it as I was coming down about the midway point that I forgot it.. So I left the room, feeling horrible I went to the car and hoped beyond hope that it would be there.. It wasn't of course and so I get my phone out and call Bob and tell him I gotta go down and get these taken.. When I got home I checked my BP and yeah it was higher than it had been in a while, 165 over whatever.. Just a bit high..
Getting back to the hospital I was sure things would be worse, remember mom was at deaths doorstop, and she was fine, still raspy breathing.. They would do something that would change that and as we got back into her room her breathing sounded easier.. She was better in that regard however she was still... Oh look, her eyes were closed, she was in fact asleep.. resting peacefully.. We picked out our sleeping positions for the night.. I would be at the head of a crappy bench couch thing, Donald would be on the longer bench couch thing and Bob would be on what looked like a nice recliner chair.. Don't get me wrong, I didn't envy any of them and they shouldn't envy my sleeping arrangements, they all sucked, I know, that chair I tried to sit in and it was nearly as uncomfortable.. Mom would sleep well though the night, And even the nurses were shocked that she lived through the night.. I wasn't, in fact there was a time that I thought she was pulling through, we would all wake up the next morning and she would be alright, be a little better and might have a better prognosis.. Why am I such an optimist?? Even everyone had said it was a matter of time, not if, but really when.. I knew this but kept a little glimmer of hope that they might be wrong.. This is what Hollywood movies do, the star doesn't die..
Wednesday.. after a night in the hospital room was very hard to take.. Her breathing was rough in the early evening but they situated her and we walked into her room with mom very much asleep.. Eyes closed and everything.. I would listen for her sleeping through the night sleeping myself Just a little while between the sleeping arrangements not being ideal, a light cramp early on.. relaxed enough to sleep and rest a little.. All three of us guys were there, so you know it could possibly gotten stinky, but there was a set of flowers taking care of that.. Wednesday morning saw us waking up early, around five And moms breathing was strong. I was so proud of the way she sounded.. I thought maybe this was not the end of her life.. Maybe she could pull it out.. I was so hoping for the best but knew full well that just as with dad, there wasn't much hope.. It's hard to watch someone die.. No ifs ands or butts.. I nearly saw dad die and when that happened I thought at least I still had mom.. Well now this was going to change.. I had always thought that mom would passaway.. Just not this way.. Wednesday started alright.. The night before I had forgotten my prescription, I mean I had it in my camera bag but forgot the camera bag for the first time in ... forever.. So I thought so what.. I would be back by three, and remember telling Skootr that before leaving that day... When I saw how rough a shape mom was in I didn't know if I would be going home on time or early or at all.. And so I played it by ear.. And when 6 came I felt my chest pounding.. I had to go get my prescription and called from the car to tell Bob I was going after them.. It would take a few minutes to get home , I took the prescription As set in the camera bag and fed the kitty.. then left likely making Skootr wonder what she had done to deserve being left alone all night.. I left the prescriptions at home not even thinking that had this turned the way I wanted it that mom would be in long form recovery.. Maybe by the end of the year.. Ever the optimist I remember feeling the same way about dad.. Mom was a fighter.. She was tough and I mean in her own way she was just down right tougher than anyone I knew.. They would give mom a bath this afternoon, I remember saying I guess that's a good idea...I don't know.. And as they are wrapping up they come out and tell us her breathing has really changed and for us to get in there quickly.. She was no longer as labored, but there was more breathing through phlem mucous and all that fun.. they would suck it out and make her breathing easier.. But the word was sent for anyone to come quickly.. Jordan would come quickly.. As well whoever wasn't there... Within the next hour mom would turn for the final time .. Watching her as I was playing one last find a word game.. And as I was going after one of the words I watched as her breathing was very shallow.. We all surrounded the bed.. Mom would pass away shortly there after.. August 29, 2018 at about three in the afternoon...
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August 12 is when it all started.. Mom was on the phone with her brother and talking about something.. I had walked by and really I just leave them to talk, I don't like to join the conversation.. This day was just like every other time.. I get to the front room and get on the computer and suddenly mom yells and needs me to come help her with something.. She needs help with the phone wants to know how to do texting.. I try to get positioned to show, I get the phone and am holding it higher but wasn't set with it yet and she says you have it too high, so I sit down on the floor to rest it where I thought she would see it better that way.. she then falls apart and starts to cry and says you have no patience for me doing this.. I tell her the phone isn't even mine and that I would have to figure it out along with her, but she was too upset to work with and said again you don't have the patience to do this or anything, I don't know what she said for sure I was pissed and decided to leave was the better idea so I went out and walked around the town thinking about what she had said and really was just mad as hell at the situation.. things were about to get serious soon and I had this going on in my head all the time.. For the past year I knew I was going to have to leave her and get work.. I was going broke.. But I never wanted to leave her and as much as I kept thinking of this I kept thinking If I left back in January, was working then when she had that mild stroke that I wasn't sure if I would have been home, I was looking to get work at night, Had I left by four she might have had that happen and came home to a completely different situation..but I was glad things worked this way.. As I kept watching my bank statement go down I kept thinking how was I supposed to feel like going out to work and having someone else come and watch mom, I really didn't think that would work out very well.. So I thought if it comes to it I would talk mom into just renting me as it were.. Paying for my bills.. as i got home from my walk I had stopped being pissed at mom and I was pissed at myself, I could do that, talk myself into being pissed off at myself.. It was her phone, I used her phone so sparingly to text that I had no serious clue how to use it for that.. I mean I thought I did.. And trying to set it where she could see it.. Mom was very unpatient with me.. I have always said I was the dumb one and and everyone needs to understand that.. There would be no attempt at doing another text, mom would eventually get too sick to do anything like that ever again..
So I started this during the intestinal part of the"saga" and it was about that Saturday.. When they took her to get that bloc and pic.. I wasn't sure how things were going to go because one of the guys Doing the moving of mom to the procedure room, and while he was moving they had to get something and while waiting he showed the assistant videos of his kids and I didn't really care but hoped they could change gears into giving a shit about mom.. So here is the way things went down on the week after her Intestinal surgery.. Mom felt horrible until Sunday, and she got a blood transfusion, which was explained away as something that could happen after the surgery sometime.. There was also a possibility that the surgery might not take some time in about the five day mark, and so with the surgery being done on Wednesday evening you do the math and figure by Monday maybe even Tuesday she was out of the woods.. I took her home on Tuesday afternoon feeling fantastic, really looking great too.. I kinda wished I had gotten pictures of her that day or Wednesday to compare to a week later.. So here is what happened, Tuesday I needed to mow, and so I did, Mom was fine, she laid on the couch the rest of the day.. I mowed Tuesday, Wednesday she was feeling even better, took a shower and when she got done I did more yard work, have to get ready for Olde Settlers day in another week or so.. Wednesday you really couldn't tell she had anything done toe her intestine as she acted the same as any other day.. That home hospice thing she should have let them do that and in fact they should have insisted on coming and just running whatever test, listen to her stomach or feel her abdomen.. There really is a good chance they might have felt something Wednesday or Thursday as well, in fact they took picture on that following Monday and Jansen would see that the surgery had come undone..
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EPILOGUE: When I took mom down on the 15th of August I really had no clue how things might go, after her surgery she was wiped for three days and that was par for the course, her sinus surgery was the same recovery situation.. However she seemed to come through that fairly well.. In fact I remembered seeing her walking the hallway a few days later looking like she kicked this things ass.. Moms toughness can never be doubted.. This was different this time.. and I still wonder if one of two things might have seen a different outcome.. Remember when mom had made the comment that they thought she might have to stay in the hospital for up to a month.. had that happened I think she might still have been ok, although there is a part of me that thinks that by that Thursday she had heartburn and what that might have been was her surgery letting loose, they said it might be up to five days but you take into account her age and you might have to add a couple or three days,, I hate to say it,, But I also felt like this hospital had a tendency to release people earlier than they should.. I Googled this surgery and it did in fact say full recovery could take up to a month.. What were the indicators for sending her home?? well she did in fact look homeward bound looking on Tuesday,, Had they kept her through the rest of that week she likely never would have broken her hip... The home hospice thing she passed on, had they done something for her heartburn she might not have gotten up during the night and lost her balance and fallen and broken her hip.. I still think she would have ended up back in the hospital on Friday because she just was feeling so crappy.. But it would have been for that..
From when mom had her surgery on her sinus and got to where she had no balance I pretty much decided to be her walking stick, and help her all the time.. we were close before this and stayed that way although there were times she tried to push me away.. When that happened I just stayed a little away.. because I knew it would just be a matter of time before she would need me to help her.. there was a time when she went back to work even in the balance she was having, or lack therein.. I felt guilty not going back to work but then she would justify my not going.. She would fall any number of times through the years and every time she would say out loud looks like I 'm headed for a nursing home, and every time I told her no you're not.. You know that sudden death syndrom that happens to people?? Infants but also older people have it to.. Freda's mother died in her sleep almost a year ago.. Another guy here in town (just a few houses down) died in his sleep as well.. Mom was hoping for that, and there were a few times I thought she had died in her sleep, she would get up really late in the morning, around nine which for her was really late.. I was more than a little afraid to go into the front room and find her dead.. scared the hell out of me.. But thinking about how she did pass away, I think I would have rather had that.. Truth be told I didn't like watching my mom die.. I would have rather been anywhere else, but then.. I was wanting to be there.. I wish she would have looked different.. she really changed in the way she looked over the last 48 hours of her life... really a lot more different.. more than a little scary looking but.. That's death.. death is not pretty..
On labor day I looked up Cremation, the way mom wanted to have her remains processed. and it is nasty, really I mean to me it is kind of a nasty procedure but.. So is being put in the ground and letting nature take its course.. There is no good way to do that.. I have decided cremation is the way I want to go.. To me you see them go through the process of how they will do this and that for your burial and I just don't get it.. We talked about this after my dad died and then again after Tabitha had died.. it just makes more sense to both of us... My older brother was prepared to fight to not have her be cremated but in the end didn't bother.. It was her wishes, and I would have fought for her wishes.. Not sure my little brother cared one way or the other..
We went to the mortuary and got the ball rolling in her funeral.. there really isn't much to say at that time.. I felt lost ... I mean you go to the hospital every day for two plus weeks and then suddenly it is done.. I felt the same way when dad died.. I liked going and at least seeing him.. We didn't go every day like with mom.. But we went fairly regular.. there were a few snow and other weather related issue dates that prevented us from going to Fort Collins..
Mom had this daily planner thing she started using last year.. When I started losing weight she would put my weight as the readout from the scale that I would step on daily.. In the early days I think she didn't like my weight loss, but when I explained if I don't lose weight I could (more than likely would) get diabetes and neither of us wanted that.. if she thought she was not smart enough to run the computer, I knew I was too stupid to be a diabetic.. simply put.. I'd rather lose weight and take my chances being a thin person that remain overweight and die screwing up those shots.. Anyway here shows the dreaded August month.. she got that Tuesday the 14th but not Wednesday when we would start the ordeal.. The numbers are my weight.. (bet you thought it was something else) and then there was the date for moms appointment to see Kakar.. I still feel like had she gone to that appointment, we might have ended up going to the hospital that day and mom might have been in there at midnight of her birthday and not on the floor of her bathroom in pain from a fall that would break her hip, and eventually end her life..
And so now every time I go by that hospital, I will remember when the place opened up, the weeks before we toured the new hospital.. You never think well we'll be here one day.. Mom would be there three times this past year, once in January for a schizm or TIA, and once ten days apart for her Intestinal surgery and hip surgery.. Hard to go by any place where you know a person has died.. I actually said when the hospital opened that it would be better known as a death procurement location.. I was only joking.. Turns out I was right.. Sadly..
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