Now It's June

Mom and Freda were talking Saturday about all everything, you know this and that..  And the subject of the house comes up and I wasn't thinking.. she says something about it and I say I don't care it's not mine... BIG MISTAKE.. while the house really isn't mine, she is pretending it is and that it is mine after she dies.. It's not mine, and never was. I look at it as being the house where I am allowed to stay while mom is here and I take care of her while she is still able to be here and have me be able to take care of her (what little that entails) and really with the very eventual of me having to go get  a job somewhere fairly soon (scares me because she will then be here alone, and it isn't so much that she is here alone that bothers me, it's that she has no balance and if she falls has proven she will be down until someone comes to help her up..  That means if she falls shortly after  I leave for work she could be down for however many hours that might be.. It scares me that I might come home and she is on the floor dead.. I am not my older brother, I don't think I will live to see the next day if that were to happen.. remembering a few years ago when she told her brother that I was directly to blame for her first fall and injury and he laid into me like no other has ever (I think he has always hated me)..  And so for that reason alone I have tried to keep from having.....    Where was I.. Oh yes.. Saturday We were talking about the house and what needed to be done to it for whatever it was.. I forget that most of what I have planed after mom dies is not last very long.. In fact depending what happens in the following weeks will determine how much longer I live anyway.. what I mean by that is I have a blood test in about two weeks and depending what happens there could determine how things go the next week when I see the heart specialist... If he says I have to go see the doctor to begin diabetic bullshit I have to start a new approach.. I refuse to see the doctor about diabetis and will likely be the reason I pass away.. This is to be mine...  I refuse to go tr

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