talking my self off the ledge

So I am nearing the being fully broke era, and thinking about having to get a job soon and hoping mom will be alright without me here and sure she will be.. Others have to get along without someone there 24-7.. Mom is different..She has no balance at all.. she depends on touch to get around and if she isn't touching a wall or furniture she can fall and has fallen.. I'm fine with giving my life to help her.. I'd rather help her than worry about if she has fallen while being away, which I do go to town without her once a week.. I could do this and be away for four hours every day, as long as it was at night and I could be called back if she falls..There are jobs that are flexible like that right??  YEah.. not that I know of.. Absolutely NONE...  So  I have recently been thinking about going and looking for a job... but there is another problem.. My back hurts.. And This I have no idea why.. It's my upper back not the lower back that can be fixed with a back belt that I have.. I think I need a different kind of belt but Am not sure about that either..  So yeah, I have talked myself into it will be ok to get a job, a few hours a week, enough to pay my bills and stay in contact with mom... and then this happens.. A close call.. Last JAnuary, this past January mom has a schizm as it were... She thought she was having a stroke... Scary thought because the first thing I thought of was what if I were working anywhere.. This happened at about five in the evening, and it had snowed... The road wasn't treacherous but it was icy.. So I ask do you want to call the ambulance.. More for the safety of being driven by someone who knows the road better.. I drove down at less than fifty miles an hour, had she been in a true emergency she likely would have died.. I felt like it was a schizm though, it seemed like an emergency and a stroke at the time but as we got closer to the emergency room it was clearing up..  So there was that.. And I thought had I started a night shift that started at five I would likely have been there instead.. She should have called the ambulance and when we were at the emergency room they told her she should have.. They have medication she could take to help reverse a stroke early on..  Good  to know in case there is a next time..  Then yesterday happened.. Not the same as that day but just about the same.. She almost fell as I am watching her trying to get her balance and as she is doing this Laurel and Hardy thing she does every now and then I am thinking how will I feel if I come home from a four or eight hour shift and see her on the floor and think well this just cost me my moms life.. Unable to get up from a fall she has been this way for the past ten years.. I am supposed to feel alright with this??  This could end up the reason why she would be sent to a nursing home which scares the shit out of her and me as well.  It's why  I am trying to hold out as long as I can and take my financial situation to as close to zero as I can... Everyone must think I am on*


*Sudden ending to this entry.. Not sure what happened, might have just been the mind went out on me...